Staccato
by lar-ton
Summary: Hazza and Lister. Ashbury Comp's Resident troublemakers and bain of headteacher Mr. Granger's life. But when Maria starts school there, both their lives are turned upsidedown.
1. Difficoltà

DISCLAIMER: SOME OF THESE CHARACTERS AREN'T OURS SO DON'T SUE US

Sunrise over the Tango Factory and Raging Tree Trunk ARE lar-ton.

Sunrise over the Tango Factory's (Formerly Ral-Edge) Authors note: Yes, it's us again, so you can go back to cowering behind your sofa and trying to make a bargin with God. We sooooooooo much enjoyed writing 'Alter U' (read or get run over: kidding) that we decided to give another story a go, mainly because we got loads of lovely, lovely lovely feedback, and mainly because we needed to fill the heart wrenching void. So enjoy this is a Lister story, (wayhay!). Read it. Like it (hopefully) and...REVIEW IT!!

Raging Tree Trunk's A/N. Yello!!! Welcome to our new story!! As Sunrise told you, we wrote this story for a number of reasons. The biggest one being that as soon as we finished, AU our fingers began to twitch. Brains started to go into meltdown with all the unused inspiration and eyes began to roll into the back of our heads. So really you could say we're doing this for our own health and I'm sure you won't be disappointed either.........hopefully. So, echoing Sunrise's words. This is Lister's story. Read It. Enjoy it; and PLEASE, REVIEW IT :D

Ohhh and one last note, Staccato is Italian for Torn Apart (unless we have been misinformed). This shall make sense later and hopefully you should spot a link in the story, so look out for it. ;) Enjoy, love lar-ton (Sunrise over the Tango Factory and Raging Tree Trunk.)

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A young boy of around 16 sat slumped in an un-comfy plastic chair in a damp, depressing corridor.

He was waiting to get told off...for something he didn't do. He could try to proclaim his innocence, he could wail he wasn't even near the place at the time, scream he had nothing to do with it, but it wouldn't make any difference at all. He was a labeled troublemaker, so whenever something happened in the school he was the first to be accused. Today, there'd been a fight, and like any good school boy, he'd ran over to watch, offer a hand if it was needed. Then when the teachers came over, all the usual troublemakers had been grabbed by the shoulder and frog marched to the headmaster's office, and he'd been one of them.

He began rocking on the back legs of his chair; he'd been waiting here over 40 minutes. Still it didn't bother him, he was missing maths.

"Hey guy?" came a voice from the end of the corridor "Whatcha doing here?"

"What's it look like I'm doing thunder skull, I'm about to get a grilling. What you doing here, in trouble again?"

The boy grinned as he sat down "Got caught in the girls changing rooms, I was hiding in the boiler cupboard watching them get changed, PHWOR they were fit!"

"How d'you get caught?" inquired the other boy

"Fell out didn't I, got cramp in my leg, and slipped off the shelf. Weren't that bad though, most of them were only in bra and pants!"

"Aaron Harrison" screeched a teacher, marching across the carpeted floor so fast she was creating static "what are you doing here?"

"Just getting told off miss." Came the honest reply from the boy who watched girls get undressed in a boiler cupboard.

"I might have known and you what are you doing here?" she snapped at the other boy

"Getting told off miss"

"What for" she demanded nosily,

"Fightin'' but miss, I-"

"Didn't have anything to do with it," she said, finishing his sentence for him, "Save it, because it's the same old, worn out excuses.'Miss, I didn't mean to hit him' 'he started it' 'they're all doing it, tell them off' I've heard them a million times before and will no doubt hear them a million times again"

Just then the headmaster's small bald head poked out from behind his office door and upon seeing the two boys gestured for them to come inside with a small head movement.

The two boys promptly followed and upon entering took a seat without even being invited to do so as Mr. Granger the headmaster had long since stopped bothering. Mr. Granger sat behind his desk and sighed, pushed his glasses up his nose before they slid back down again and peered at them.

"David Lister"

"Sir."

"Aaron Harrison"

"Yes Sir?"

"WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TWO BUFFOONS ALWAYS IN MY OFFICE!" bellowed the headmaster.

The two boys jumped, and Lister who'd been leaning on the back legs off his chair at the time toppled over, dragging Aaron Harrison, nicknamed Hazza along with him. The two boys lay in a heap on the headmaster's floor while he snorted angrily, whishing he'd gone into a lion taming profession. It'd be a lot less stressful.

"It's every day the same, if it's not one of you, it's both of you. Every day I have teachers coming up to me 'Lister and Harrison-"

"Hazza actually" corrected Hazza, tugging himself free of Lister

"I DON'T GIVE A BLOODY MONKEYS WHAT YOUR SODDING NICKNAME IS!" roared the headmaster, grabbing him by the lapels and yanking him to his feet, before doing the same to Lister.

"I come to work everyday, hoping, longing PRAYING even that today, you'll both _try_ to stay out of trouble, and I'll not see you two sat outside my office, is that too much to ask, just 1 single bloody day without having to see either of you two?" Lister caught Hazza's eyes are smirked, as he picked him his chair and sat back down, Hazza smirked back, but was caught "What you smirking at boy?" barked the Head teacher

"Nothing sir!" replied Hazza, trying to keep a straight face

"Why do you grace me with your presence then, Harrison?!"

"Got caught doing something naughty sir"

"Well you'd hardly be here to receive my praise would you? What were you caught doing?"

Hazza grinned but upon seeing Mr. Granger's face thought better of it and instead mumbled an answer, Mr. Granger scowled at him before thrusting a finger at the door,

"Out! Out! Think yourself lucky my boy, if we were still allowed to use the cane- yes, I'll have to bring the next up at the PTA meeting..."

However as Mr. Granger began talking to himself about next Wednesday's PTA meeting Hazza and Lister snuck out into the corridor,

Lister grinned, "Wanna bunk?"

Hazza shook his head, "Nah. Got a better idea" he began walking slowly towards the chemistry laboratory, Lister in tow.

20 minutes later, after kicking over every bin in the school, disrupting every lesson along the route and shouting every obscenity under the sun at the top of their voices. Lister and Hazza arrived at the Chemistry class, walking in to see the class in small groups huddled around Bunsen burners.

"And what time do you call this?" asked Ms Forth tapping her watch,

Hazza grinned, "We were talking to Granger miss,"

Ms Forth rolled her eyes, "Why am I not surprised?"

Hazza shrugged, "Dunno miss"

Ms Forth just pointed to the corner where 2 empty seats were located; everyone knew these were Lister and Hazza's seats. You could tell by the indentations in the desk made with rulers and other sharp objects

"Miss? Can I have a ruler?" asked Hazza, raising his hand as he sat down,

Ms Forth looked confused, "Why? This is chemistry?"

Hazza grinned, "So I can measure my dick!"

The whole class erupted into laughter, whilst Ms Forth scowled.

Hazza continued, "You all know what Hazza's short for don't you! Hazza' big'un" There was more rapturous laughter whilst Ms Forth raised her eyebrows.

She'd long since stopped being shocked by her student's outbursts "Harrison, I don't think they make rulers that small, now please refrain from measures any parts of your anatomy and get on with your work!"

The class laughed again, only this time at Hazza, who's blushed crimson at being put in his place by a teacher.

"Hazza big'un!" mocked Lister, punching Hazza's arm, "was that the best you could come up with"

"Easy for you to say, I didn't hear you shouting the odds!" Hazza snapped back, he paused giving the board a fleeting look "do you know what the hell we're supposed to be doing?"

"Nope"

"Fat load of help you are" Hazza grabbed the nearest jar of powder and was just about to move it to the flame, when Ms Forth's voice rang in his ears for the second time that lesson "Aaron Harrison, stop right there!"

He froze, as she came marching over, wearing a frown "Can you read?" she demanded

"Sort of"

"Then you should be able to read the symbol that says 'Highly flammable' what are you an imbecile Harrison, I'm surprised that the headmaster hasn't given you your own seats with your names on at that office-"

Lister suppressed a snort, Ms Forth turned to glare at him, "I don't see what you're laughing at Lister, you're just as bad as-"

Hazza's voice disrupted Ms Forth's rant, "Miss?"

Ms Forth turned to Hazza, "WHAT NOW HARRISON?"

He grinned and dropped the chemical into the flame. All that registered on Ms Forth's face was a look of horror as she screamed "Everyone hit the deck" and a small explosion rippled through the classroom.

A moment later Ms Forth slowly stood up followed by the rest of the class.

There; stood next to the still burning Bunsen was Hazza, hair dyed charcoal from the soot and his eyebrows completely burnt off.

Ms Forth was the first to speak, "Harrison? Are you okay?"

Hazza grinned, "Cool." Before fainting,

Ms Forth screeched, "You stupid BOY!"

Lister laughed as he looked down at Hazza, with his burnt clothes and non-existent eyebrows

"Lister get to-"

"The headmaster's office, I know, I know" he replied uninterested, he left his seat and shuffled to the door

"And take Harrison with you, he smells like a damp coal fire!"

For the 4th time that day Lister and Hazza, who'd managed to be revived by Lister who'd shoved his head down the toilets, were sat outside Mr. Granger's office. Lister was currently drawing eyebrows onto Hazza, in a black marker pen, but the line kept going wiggly as he was laughing so much.

"It's not funny," snapped Hazza, pulling away and yanking more soot out of his once light brown hair

Just at that moment Mr. Granger opened the door to see the two boys, and without even blinking an eyelid opened the door further for them to enter, "Back again are we?"

Lister grinned, "Hazza had a bit of an accident in chem. sir. I was just bringing him up to make sure he didn't die or anything."

Hazza scowled at Lister and Mr. Granger rolled his eyes, "Yes of course you were you think I'd fall for that tall tale Lister, my boy you must think I'm incredibly senile if that's what you think, now what is it that brings you to my office now?"

"Hazza"

"His name is Harrison," corrected Mr. Granger

"_Harrison_" repeated Lister "put a flammable substance into a Bunsen burner and it caused an explosion, sir"

But Mr. Granger wasn't listening, he was surveying Hazza through narrowed eyes, turning his head this way and that, before finally speaking "have you done something different to your hair?"

"Yeah, burnt it off!" laughed Lister, earning him a dig in the ribs from Hazza.

"Very well, Harrison, go and the see the school nurse then go to textiles"

Hazza made to walk off but stopped "What for?" he asked confused "I don't take textiles!"

"To see if you can get some felt, Lister's attempt at re-creating your eyebrows may have been a good idea, but you look like a bloody Nutter, Shove a black tash on your lip you could pass as Adolf Hitler. Go and ask the textiles teacher if she's got any spare felt, preferably in your hair colour, green eyebrows are against the school dress code!"

Hazza nodded, knowing full well green wasn't his colour, now leopard skin that was him!

He smirked as he left the office, Mr. Granger decided to ignore this face he had seen so many times before major mischief as the boy had just blown his face up, turning to Lister he pushed his glasses up his nose for the millionth time that morning, "So what did you do now?"

Lister shook his head, "Nowt sir."

Mr. Granger scoffed "Dave Lister not getting into trouble? Wait was that a pig flying past my window."

"Sir really, I did nothing,"

"Oh wait did you hear what they're saying on the radio, Hell has frozen over-"

"SIR! I'm not lying-"

Mr. Granger laughed, "Don't lie to me boy! Detention for lying to the headmaster-"

"But Sir-"

"Cease your incessant whining Lister and take a detention slip,"

Lister muttered under his breathe as he tore off a red slip, he had enough at home to wallpaper the Sistine chapel.

"Now, Lister, if I have any more trouble from you-" said Mr. Granger pointing at him, he left his threat unfinished, he liked it better if his victims didn't know what to expect.

"I'll be good" lied Lister, walking out of the room "Arsehole"


	2. Maria

Sunrise over the tango factory (someday I will explain how that name came about...but not today) A/N: I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry this chapter is a little on the late side. Firstly we had to decide what 'Romeo and Juliet' scene we were doing (all will become clear v. soon), that was tough, we were both pretty lazy this week, so it couldn't be too long or complicated because neither of us could be arsed to type it out. Secondly, we knew what we wanted to write, we knew how this chapter was going to end, we even knew what were going to call this chapter, but could we find a spare moment in the day to type it up? No! We'd trudge home from school after enduring lessons filled with: revision, work, exams, mocks, coursework, grades, yadda yadda yadda. Then we come home, somehow tackle the growing monster of home/course work that's so big it has its on ecosystem and climate, and when that's finally done you go to sit down, relax and type a little fan fic and your mother wants you to clean up. You groan about coursework and needing 'recreation time', but it's no use, you mother launches into this big speech about 'back in her day' and you fall to the floor and begin hyperventilating at the prospect of a lecture and when you come to it's 7.45 the next morning, you've got to go to school, and the nightmare starts again. So please, we beg of you, once you read the last sentence of this chapter, and reflect upon it, please spare a thought for us poor, homework crazed souls that are raging tree trunk and sunrise over the tango factory....and review, longer the better.

Raging tree trunk A/N: what she said.

**PS: Thanx to gottaluvarnrimmer we love you and want your babies!!!! .....except for the small problem that we're all females here(as far as i know, aplogies otherwise)....that is- unless your hiding something Sunrise........**

**P.P.S: VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE. WE ARE LOOKING FOR A BETA READER. PLEASE LEAVE US A REVIEW ENQUIRING. THANX :) XXX**

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Lister met up with Hazza outside of textiles, he nearly got a hernia from laughing. Hazza had followed the headmaster's orders and got a pair of eyebrows, bright pink furry ones that looked like caterpillars (they didn't have leopard skin) and also he'd made a pink beard and mustache to match. Lister stopped laughing when he saw Hazza feverishly tugging off the comical fur and at the same time attempting to rub off his black marker pen eyebrows. 

"Whatssup?" asked Lister, following Hazza's gaze. It led to a girl walking out of textiles struggling with her bag. She stopped, and began to sort it out.

"Who's that?" asked Hazza, mouth slightly open, and eyes sparkling.

"New girl" replied Lister with a shrug.

"She's gorgeous! What's her name?"

"Maria, apparently, she was in my History class this morning, apparently she's half Italian- gets it from her dads side!"

Hazza could barely keep his tongue in his mouth.

Maria had long black hair, straight as a ruler that swept across her back like an elegant curtain. Dark, brown eyes, that shone, red lips, deep tanned skin and a figure most girls would kill for.

As she bent down to begin the arduous task of shoving all of her subject books in her bag, her knee high school skirt rode slightly up her thighs, showing more lean, shapely legs. Hazza could barely contain his "excitement".

"Maria" he repeated dreamily, "Maria, she's gorgeous, she's incredible, she's-"

"A stuck up cow" interrupted Lister, trying to tug Hazza away.

"What?" hissed Hazza,

"The was she walks, the way she talks, every thing, she'd never go out with people like us, no way...she's destined to marry someone who doesn't eat their entire meal with their salad fork."

Hazza seemed to shrink with disappointment, and as the bell rang reluctantly dragged himself to English.

"What's her second name" asked Hazza,

"What...who?" replied Lister, distracted by a short, tight skirt walking his way.

"Maria, that gorgeous figure of loveliness with the great legs, what's-her-second-name!"

"Oh, Staccato, or sumat like that, weird aint it"

"Maria Staccato" repeated Hazza, allowing it to roll round his tongue, he sighed "Mrs. Maria Staccato Harrison, has a nice ring to it, don't you think.

"You what?" Lister laughed "it sounds like a B-list movie star!"

"Exactly, it conjures up mystery, romance, slow dancing in the rain and wild, spontaneous sex in broom closets"

Lister smirked, "Yeah, better yet a page 3 model! I can see it now, sexy housewife bakes yer buns!"

Hazza shoved Lister, "Don't talk about her like that- she's not some slut or ho or-" he was cut off by Lister's current girlfriend -Katy's- arrival,

"What you talking about guys?" she asked snuggling up to Lister who quickly kissed her,

"That new girl, Maria."

Katy pouted slightly, "Do you think she's pretty then."

Lister paused in thought for a moment, "Well she has nice cheeks."

Katy nodded, "She does have a nice face."

Lister laughed, "Who says i was talking bout her face. I was thinking more about her arse!"

Hazza interrupted, "She's not, some, some, OBJECT to be drooled over, you know she's a human being!"

Katy and Lister stared at Hazza, bewildered by his outburst.

"Since when have you thought girls were nothing but objects to be drooled over?" asked Lister, raising his eyebrows.

Hazza scowled dangerously "I've never held that opinion!" he snapped. "I think it's disgusting the way women are seen as figures of sexual desires, merely existing to give the odd shag now and then for when a bloke feels like it"

"Come off it Hazza, you got lumbered with a thousand lines last term for prostitution!"

Katy's blue eyes opened extra wide, "he did what?" she asked, suddenly intrigued with her boyfriends-and-boyfriend's-friend conversation.

Lister smirked he loved telling a good story, especially if it involved humiliating Hazza. "He went round the yard with a little sign saying 'willing to pay for girl to have sex with me'!"   
Katy began giggling, as Hazza blushed crimson, turning away. "Oh Hazza" she laughed, "How much have you got? You need to be a bloody millionaire before you got a bit of nookie"

"We're late for English" muttered Hazza, storming away, his cheeks still flushed with embarrassment. Lister rolled his eyes at his mate's outburst, planted a kiss on Katy's pink glossed lips and ran after Hazza.

Miss Engrais, the English teacher was a slim young women with curly blonde hair. Fresh out of university she was filled with chirpy confidence and a sunny sense of security.

Today's lesson, despite the warnings issued to her by her colleagues, was to be a practical one. She believed children learned better and flourished when they interacted with the text and each other. She had just finished handing out the books when Lister and Hazza arrived, a lot more nosily and dramatically then she would have hoped.

The door to her classroom was very temperamental, and it would only open with the slightest of touches, throwing you weight against it would make it jam, as if to say 'you're heavy handed, your not coming in!'

Of course the 'destructive duo' casually forgot and were currently attempting to barge down the down. Miss Engrais rolled her eyes toward heaven and gently pulled the door open just as Lister and Hazza were running at it full pelt, they stumbled into the classroom, to the clapping and cheering of their piers. Smiling and bowing they made their way to their seats.

Miss Engrais cleared her throat, and the class, with the exception of Lister and Hazza, fell silent. "For the remainder of the term" she breezed "we shall be studying the famous romantic tragedy 'Romeo and Juliet' by the famous playwright William Shakespeare"

The class let out a loud groan, coupled by Lister yelling "That's complete bollocks!"

"That might be your opinion David, but could you please air it in a less colourful manner?"

Lister had no idea what had just been said to him, but he had inkling it was a telling off, so he tutted rebelliously and glared at her.

Miss Engrais gave a small cough and continued, "We shall be studying how Shakespeare was able to create overpowering senses of raw human emotion, like love, anger, hate, and we'll do this by living, breathing and being the text"

Hazza and Lister exchanged confused shrugs.

"Now" smiled the teacher "I need two volunteers"

The whole class stared down at their desks, determined not be involved in anything to do with their teachers lesson.

"Anyone?" squeaked Miss Engrais, deflating at the lack of enthusiasm,

"Me and Hazza'll do it miss" said Lister,

"What?" screamed Hazza, but it was too late, he was being dragged to the front of the room by his tie.

"Act 1 scene 5 boys" smiled Miss Engrais. "Aaron, because you're the tallest you can be Romeo, so that means David, you'll have to be Juliet"

Lister shrugged his shoulders "whatever" he said, in his best 'like I give a damn' voice, whereas most teenage lads would have had a tantrum.

"Now, imagine you're in a glittering ball room, Romeo enters in disguise, for if his is seen at the Capulet household, death is most certain. From across the room enters beautiful Juliet, a kind hearted, virgin, who knows nothing of the consequences her love will bring, so-"Miss Engrais stopped, as she spotted Lister holding his shirt out in two peaks in front of him. "David" she said casually "what are they?"

"They're me tits miss" came his reply.

Miss Engrais cursed herself for asking such a question; she sighed and gestured for the boys to begin, something, which in 4 minutes time, she will have come to regret.

It was safe to say Hazza would a terrible actor, you could even go as far as top say he was crap, shit and bollocks all at once. Once at the front of the class, he'd lowered his head, shoved his free hand, the other holding the script book, into his pockets, he shuffled about nervously, trudging through the ancient text that meant nothing to him.

"To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss," he muttered daring to look up before glaring at the floor again.

Lister however, like always, took everything in his stride, as if his tits weren't enough to prove he was Juliet he made his voice falsetto high, and walked on tiptoes as if wearing 6 inch stilettos.

"Good Pilgrim" he screeched, batting his eyelashes and drawing circles on Hazza's chest with his fingers, "you do wrong your hand too much. Which mannerly devotion shows in this; for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is a holy palmers' kiss" he paused, "in short, give us a shag"

"Right, that's enough," yelled Miss Engrais with all the authority she could manage.

Just then the door opened and in struggled the girl they had seen earlier, Maria. Her hair was messed up, her coat was hanging off one shoulder, she was dragging her bag by its broken strap across the floor, in her right hand her timetable was in tatters,

"Is this room 209?" she asked looking at Miss Engrais expectantly.

Miss Engrais stared at her for a moment before nodding, "Urm are you alright dear, only you seem a little.... disheveled..."

"I'm fine, " Maria, wheezed, wiping her forehead and shifting her bag on her shoulder.

Miss Engrais sighed and nodded, the start of term was going less well than she expected. "Well then don't just stand there, take a seat."

Maria nodded, and began making her way to a seat at the back of the class before Miss Engrais had a sudden idea," On second thought swap places with David here please."

"What" he screamed, looking from Maria to Miss Engrais "I was enjoying myself"

"Yes, well I'll see if we can give you a smaller part later on" she lied, Maria looked at her with pleading eyes, but it was of no use.

"Come now dear, don't be shy, what did you say your name was again?" the teacher enquired.

"I didn't, it's Maria, Maria Staccato" she dumped her bag on the chair, and walked to the front of the class and under their scrutiny, stood beside Hazza, giving him a small smile.

He was sure he was going to faint, she, the girl of his dreams, was stood next to him about to reenact the most famous romantic play of all times, with the obvious exception of the front of the boat bit from Titanic.

He tried to smile back but found none of his body parts would do what he wanted, well one part was doing everything he didn't want it to do. So he quickly looked away as Maria spoke Juliet's line.

For Hazza, it was as if sugar coated angels were singing a song about chocolate marshmallows.

He'd never heard anything so soft and sweet in his entire life before. It felt like the bottom of his stomach had fallen out, his head felt empty and dizzy, and it was if everything in his life up till that point had been wasted because he'd never known this person.

Then, it was time for his line; he cleared his throat and read. It was magical. He poured every once of energy he had into his performance, he pulled snippets of information from long forgotten drama classes, and he copied moves from those horrid, slushy romantic movies he was forced to take his kid sister to.

And he pulled it off.

Big time.

All the lads in the class, stopped pointing and laughing, they sat, open mouthed, moved to tears by his performance whilst the girls rested their head on their hands and gazed at him gooey eyed.

At the back of the class, unbeknown to anyone, Lister was getting worried, it looked as if Hazza was enjoying this.

It looked like he was putting a lot of effort into it.

It looked like he was doing work.

Lister straightened up, 'come' on man' he whispered 'do something'

Hazza did do something. He went down on one knee, took hold of a very shocked Maria's hand, and gazed deep into her eyes as the whole class wolf whislted and cheered.

Lister scowled "pull her skirt down, take this piss, feel her tits, but so something man" he found himself hissing, raising out of his chair in desperation.

"Then have my lips the sin that they have took" said Maria, beaming at Hazza, who was breathless with excitement. He stroked her hand gently, before gazing once again into her hazel coloured eyes,

"Sin from my lips" he smiled, gently placing a kiss on her hand, before standing. Lister was now on his feet, hands clenched into fists, "O trespass sweetly urged!"

Lister watched helplessly as Hazza gently lifted Maria's head, and kissed on tenderly on the lips.

The class roared their approval

"Hush" barked Miss Engrais, eager to see where this was leading, but the scene was interrupted by the slamming of the door, indicating Lister had left the classroom.


	3. I Cambiamenti Cominciano

Raging tree trunk's A/N: Hello ALL! Ok this is a very quick update cos both Sunrise and I are very busy, Infact Sunrise has already buggered off, so ttfn!!! Luv Rage & Sunrise.

**gottaluvarnrimmer- I can vouch for myself when I say I'm a girl. Sunrise is debateable..... She (as far as I know) went mad at me when I added that comment without her knowledge- looks like I'm in deep deep doodoo now.......... P.S: thanx for the review we LOVE Changes.... and Nicole and.........we just think your brilliant. End of Story :D**

**Feline Ranger****- thank god you reviewed, we were wondering if anyone but the lovely fantastic writer that is gottaluvrimmer was actually reading this. Now we think your EVEN MORE fantastic than we did before –we are fans, Something Nice Happens To Lister is spendifirous :D

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Lister didn't go to his next lesson; he was too consumed by anger.

Hazza kissing a girl, enjoying it, ditching him to swap salvia with a member of the opposite sex without finding out if it was okay with him first.

Instead he went to the back of the sport shall, nicknamed 'smokers corner' and added a few new items of graffiti to the already crammed wall, just for the hell of it.

Hazza only noticed Lister wasn't with him in art, their next lesson, when he suddenly realised the chair next to him lacked the lingering smell of tobacco and things weren't being thrown from the desk in front of it to the opposite side of the room.

Normally this would have disturbed Hazza and he would have snuck out of class to go searching for him, but he was too excited.

He'd kissed Maria Staccato in front of the whole English class, that's 31 witnesses. He'd tried to talk to her at the end of the lesson but he was to busy being ambushed by Miss Engrais sobbing all over him, saying he would move mountains with a performance like that and every girl in the class shoving their phone numbers into his hand with a forceful 'call me'.

It was only when he looked across the classroom did he spot Maria, sat on her own, engrossed in her drawing. Hazza filled with either newfound confidence or long lasting stupidity, stood up and began walking to her.

"Hi" he said, as calm and as casual as he could, she looked up ands smiled when she spotted him.

"Hi" she replied back, there was an awkward pause as neither of them said anything.

"Do you want something?" she asked,

'Only lots and lots of sex' thought Hazza, he opened his mouth, "erm, yes, yes, can I please borrow please?" he said quickly spotting one near her opened pencil case.

"Oh sure, here" she said, a little note of disappointment in her voice. She handed him the rubber, and as there hands met, Hazza could feel the warmth of her silky soft skin, he stared at her delicate hands and sighed. He knew he should walk away now, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Actually" he blurted out "I don't want the rubber, I want you"

Maria's eyes opened extra wide, "excuse me?" she laughed.

Hazza could feel all the blood in his body soar to his face, lighting it up like a beacon. "I mean, I want _you_ and me to talk, get to know each other a little better, because I really really really... like you" he finished feebly.

Maria wrinkled her nose up in confusion, for one harrowing moment Hazza was sure she'd say 'no you creep get lost' but, to his relief, she giggled

"Why didn't you just say" she patted the stool beside her and beamed at him.

As the bell signaling the end of the lesson rang, and students began to pack away, Hazza felt something he'd never felt before, he was sad it was the end of the lesson. He didn't want to go; he wanted to stay in the arts room, talking to Maria.

He stood, silently watching her pack up her bags, trying desperately not to look at her tits...oops he thought...failed...mmmm nice.

"What have you got now?" asked Maria, looking up and smiling. Hazza jumped "Geoggers" he said quickly.

"Me too" she smiled, "who's your teacher? I hope I'm in your class" she sighed, pulling on her coat and tossing her hair. Hazza was lost for a moment or two as he watched her, she was like a dream, it was like she was a figment of his imagination, she looked good, was nice, friendly, a bit flirty and didn't call him pervert at all, and she even smelled good. Like ginger and honey.

He snapped back to reality when he saw her hand waving in front of his face.

"Aaron, are you back in the land of the living?" she asked, her face filled with concern.

"Sorry" he said, scratching his neck "I sometime slip off into a dream world, away with the bloody fairies, that's me" he laughed, before mentally slapping himself on the head.

A tiny voice inside his head spoke _"What the bloody hell you'd do you that for, now she either thinks your slow or schizophrenic!_ "

Maria nodded "I get like that, jus drift off, people think your slow, I normally do it if I'm bored" she gasped and covered her mouth when she saw Hazza look heartbroken "oh, no" she gabbled, taking hold of his hand "I didn't mean you were boring, I meant, oh crap I didn't know what I meant, it's this school, it's so big, I don't know anyone and-"

Hazza, placed a finger on her lips, and kissed her on the cheek. For a few seconds she remained silent before she began laughing, "Do you always French kiss girls when you want them to shut up?"

Both Hazza and Maria blushed crimson before, looking away awkwardly, just as Hazza opened his mouth he was interrupted by Mr. Granger's voice, "Harrison!"

Hazza cringed, he didn't want to look like some kind of trouble maker in front of Maria; "Yes sir?"

Mr. Granger frowned, at him accusingly but upon finding nothing to tell him off for grumbled, "Nothing carry on." Mr. Granger began walking away, "A word of warning to you Miss Staccato, Mr. Harrison here is best avoided, him and David Lister are the biggest troublemakers this school has had, since, well ever."

Hazza and Maria exchanged glances and Maria rolled her eyes, mouthing, 'Did I mention I like bad boys?' then winking. Hazza flushed and managed to wink back; "That's me bad to the bone"

Maria purred jokily, little aware it was sending shivers down Hazza's spine.

"I should warn you about Geography, you don't wanna sit near me" he muttered, looking away

"Why?" asked Maria,

"I'm crap at it, I'd be hazardous to your grade, it happens every year, a smart kid get's placed next to me in the hope they'll 'sort me out' and their grades start to go down.

Last year this straight a student named Peter Ingrens, he was moved next to me, within 6 weeks he was smoking, drinking and doing petty crime. So if you were looking for a career in prostitution, sit next to me, but otherwise stay w-e-l-l away"

"Do I really want to be hearing this?" snarled Mr. Granger, his face twisted in disgust.

"Shit sir I didn't know you were still here"

"Evidently" replied the head teacher, gazing at Hazza through his milk bottle glasses "take a word of the wise Miss Staccato, if you desire wealth, knowledge and a brilliant education, I'd stay well away from Aaron Harrison as possible" Mr. Granger nodded and walked briskly out of the art room.

"I could tutor him" said Maria, stopping him dead in his tracks, "I must be going deaf or senile, but did you just say you are willing to tutor Aaron Harrison -who, let us face it, is outwitted by toddlers!

"Yes" replied Maria, calmly.

Mr. Granger wasn't the only one who was shocked, Hazza was sure he'd died and gone to heaven, Maria wanted to tutor him, and that meant he'd be alone with her! YE-ES!

"That's a lovely idea Maria, but I'm afraid only one thing would spoil it" Mr. Granger paused "Lister" he spat as if it were a curse.

For the first time in his life, Hazza wished he'd never met Lister, he was bound to muck up the tutoring scheme, and no way would he ever let Hazza learn outside of school, he didn't even want him to learn in school for god sake.

Maria took a deep breath, "I'll talk to him."

Mr. Granger froze, "Now Maria, you've only been here 1 day, I wouldn't want to endanger your reputation in such a short space of time-"

Maria shook her head, "It's no problem."

Hazza stood there aghast. Maria was willing to take on Lister- the most stubborn git on the whole of planet earth, and for him! It couldn't get any better than this. Still he didn't like the idea of them two talking, no doubt Lister would try it on with her, and Maria -not knowing what Lister was like, would probably fall for his charms.....and .....and-

Mr. Granger, smiled pleasantly, "It's all settled then, Maria will tutor Aaron indefinitely in all his subjects." and with that Mr. Granger left,

"Isn't it great, Aaron, I get to tutor you?"

Hazza closed his eyes and groaned, "Maria, I know I don't know you that well, and you don't know me but please promise me...you won't shag Lister.

Outside Lister kicked a dustbin, he'd run out of spray-paint and was getting testy. He sighed before ramming his hand into his pocket and pulling his last cigarette. He'd wanted to save it till later but Hazza's little scene, coupled running out of spray-paint AND the fact that Hazza hadn't even come to try and find him was bothering him to no end.

Just then Lister heard someone humming round the corner; hurriedly he began to put out his cigarette before seeing it was only Maria. She acknowledged him with a nod and walked over.

Lister grunted, "S'pose you'll be telling Granger won't you then."

Maria shook her head, "Not today Lister."

Lister frowned, "How'd you know my name?"

Maria smiled slightly, "Aaron told me."

Lister frowned, "Aaron?.........You mean Hazza?!?"

Maria nodded, "Yea, but don't you think Aaron's so much nicer?"

Lister simply grunted, Maria reached out a touched his arm gently, "Maybe you should quit smoking, it can really kill a person."

Lister glared, "Maybe you should try it sometime, bitch."

Maria snapped her arm back a hurt expression evident on her face, "I was-.... I was just"

Lister snapped "Yeah. Whatever, well you can _just _bugger off; and you can _just_ stay away from me. More importantly you can _just _stay away from Hazza. Alright?"

Lister stormed away, his question hung in the air awkwardly.

Maria sighed, "No. It isn't alright."


	4. A slap in the face

Sunrise's (name far too, long-fingers hurt, you know who I am!) A/N: For those of you out there who've taken their GCSE's, and had at least half a head of hair at the end of it, I salute you! (Does Rimmer salute ------- not mine, don't sue, was just trying to be funny!) And for those of you, who are about to do yours in the near future, I advise you now, for the hills, a fish mongers life isn't so bad nowadays! This Christmas, me and R.T.T (raging tree trunk) shall, hopefully, be posting quite a few chapters, as we'll have soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much spare time and I will be so happy to think 'what shall I do now…anything I like cos I've got NOTHING to do' 

r.t.t a/n: hellloooooo, fellow earthlings, and quite possibly the odd alien out there.

As sunrise told you, we are EXTREMELY busy

"What with; you may ask, as we do indeed come across as sad lonely individuals with no life (sunrise nods head in agreement), however we have been completing the horrendous (sp?) And not at all gratifying task of... REVISION. Yes, over the past week, Sunrise and I have been in over our head swimming in physics, notes, English lit books, drama scripts and quite possibly every word known to man floating around our heads. We've tested each other's knowledge on plugs, and Arabian coconuts for goodness sake, and now finally it is 1 blood chilling day till exams finally drown us with misery. So please be sympathetic. Review, and remember, we took the time out for you so do the same pwease.

* * *

It was nearly a week later before Lister finally forgave Hazza. He didn't actually say it out loud, neither of them did, they just sort of caught each other's eyes and grinned, a gesture of peace, call it what you will. Soon they were back to normal or so Lister thought.

It was dinnertime, and as Granger had confiscated both of their cigs, it felt wrong to go into smokers corner without anything to smoke and recently the price of cigs on the school black market had sky rocketed, due to increased chances of being caught. So Lister and Hazza had 'borrowed' a football from P.E, causing a bit of a mess in the process and were trying out their football skills for the up coming school match. Out of the two, Hazza was the best at football, he was the really sporty one, he'd spend many an hour glued to the telly watching the biggest names in football strut their stuff on the pitch. Lister couldn't be bothered as much with football, or any kind of sport. It meant 'getting involved' something he only did when he was forced to. Instead Lister would spend many an hour glued to the lips of a girl (not necessarily his girlfriend) Hazza, as per usual, was showing off. Playing 'keepy uppy' heading the ball this way and that and generally being a big head until Lister performed a sliding tackle, knocking him off his feet, before grabbing the ball and running off with it: "That's rugby you div" shouted Hazza, brushing bits of stone from his once-white-now-grubby-grey school shirt.

"Rugby, football" shrugged Lister "it's all the same to me" He stopped short as Maria sauntered past her arms locked over her books protectively, and gazing at Hazza, who gave her a stupid smile and an even stupider wave, that carried on waving long after she'd walked past.

Lister stood waiting for the gesture to stop, and after getting bored threw the ball at Hazza's head, jerking him back to reality. "Welcome back to the land of the living!" snarled Lister.

"Maria said that to me once" gasped Hazza, as though it was the most amazing thing in the world!

"And" said Lister, frowning.

Hazza's features blushed bright red " I just thought you'd like to know," he muttered, walking off to retrieve the ball.

Lister stood still for a moment, watching his friend expertly nip the ball onto his toe before bouncing it on his knee.

"What made you think I wanted to hear about Maria?" he said finally.

Hazza shrugged his shoulders "just felt like making conversation"

"What?" laughed Lister "telling me what she said to you, I could understand if it were something dirty, but god, Hazza, you must be desperate"

"It just slipped out, I was to busy speculating about her"

"Spec-u-lating" mocked Lister "Hazza are you feeling alright"

Hazza glared at Lister, "Of course i'm feeling alright" he snapped defensively.

Lister rolled his eyes, "Alright alright man, stop pms-ing, that's Katy's job." Lister snickered before continuing, "are you sure, man? No hot flushes? Headaches? Palpitations?"

Hazza frowned, "Do you even know what palpitations are Lister?"

Lister shrugged, "Dunno it makes me sound clever though don't it."

Hazza doubled over with laughter, "YOU................CLEVER!?"

Lister glared and stamped on his foot, "alright man, no need to take the piss just cos your acing everything" spat Lister defensively,

Hazza stopped laughing, "Lister, sorry...I"

He drifted off, leaving his sentence unfinished

"You what?" asked Lister, stepping even close to Hazza.

"Nothing" he muttered, turning away.

"No spill it man, you what" A sudden thought inside of Lister's head felt the need to make itself known "You don't wanna hang round with me any more" said Lister, backing away, failing to keep the hurt look from his face.

"No" shouted Hazza, following him 

"Yes, you think i'm thick, well as far as I can remember you where there every time bunking off with me, you failed every test I did, and we both were pratting about for the past 4 years, so don't start callin' me thick Harrison"

A look of sympathy crossed Hazza's face soon to be replaced with hurt, Lister looked away he didn't want to be pitied. Hazza suddenly frowned, "Why do you wanna always do so bad man? You know if you actually worked-"

Lister snapped, "You don't want to do well Hazza. You wanna impress her!"

Hazza frowned feigning innocence, "who?"

Lister glared, "You know who I mean"

"No really who?" asked Hazza tapping his foot,

Lister exploded, "MARIA THAT'S WHO! YOU FUCKING SELLOUT"

"Okay, okay" soothed Hazza, "I AM trying to impress her" He paused hoping this would be enough to calm down Lister, evidently it wasn't.

"It's not like you've never changed to try and impress a girl, like the time, what was her name, Carly, she said she only liked guys with blonde hair" Lister bit his lip, knowing what was coming next "so" continued Hazza "you tried to dye your hair blonde, and it went wrong, You ended up with green hair, and gave Carly an asthma attack from laughing. Now, tell me something Sherlock, is that trying to impress someone or not?"

"Okay" snapped Lister "I was trying to impress her, pretty desperately actually, but you forgot the most important part of this story"

"Don't try dying black hair blonde?" offered Hazza

"No!" laughed Lister, "I scored a date with that pretty little punk from Crescent Close!"

* * *

Lister kicked the Pepsi™ can in front of him, normally Hazza would join in, maybe tackle him or play goalie but today was different. Today Hazza was seeing Maria on their first official "date" not tutoring or hanging out at lunch. No. A DATE. Hazza just didn't do date's.

He did making out, he did naughty things behind the bike sheds. But he didn't date; Lister doubted the word was in his vocabulary.

He cursed, how could he have let that

Maria influence Hazza. In the space of a week shed persuaded him to have a hair cut, improve his grades and quit smoking- even refuse to buy them for Lister which was pissing him off greatly as Hazza was the only one old enough to buy them.

Man, Maria had achieved in a week what his teachers, and parents had been trying to do for years.

Turn Aaron Harrison into a respectable citizen.

Lister, kicked the can onto the road, he was about to go after it when a freight lorry suddenly sped down the road and squashed the can into oblivion. Lister's stomach dropped. It was almost symbolic. A sign from God, that he was doomed for the rest of eternity from this point onwards- not that he'd been too blessed previously.

Lister stared at the can for a few more minutes before realizing that he was getting funny looks from 2 old ladies from across the road, who were gossiping covertly under their umbrellas. Lister blinked. It was raining? Looking up, he felt the rain on his face and hurriedly began to run towards the shops, and under an awning.

He looked up, 'Daisy's Ice Cream Parlor'.

He peered through the window; it was your typical 1950's style diner. Chrome, silver seats were set in front of a tall bar and a jukebox was lit up dimly in the corner. An old woman was stood at the counter wiping it down, smiling softly at a couple in the corner.

Lister glanced at them; they looked so sweet, so happy. For a moment Lister felt himself longing for that too.

Then he realized who it was.

Hazza and Maria.

They were sharing a huge ice cream sundae; Hazza was spoon-feeding it Maria, who was giggling profusely. A strand of hair, fell in front of her face, and Hazza's face suddenly became more serious, he brought his hand up to her face and tucked the hair behind her ear, before stroking her face. Both of them were gazing at each other now, before Hazza lent over and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. Maria closed her eyes and smiled softly, Hazza seeing the appreciation lent in again and gave her another kiss. Longer, more passionate and -Lister gaped- with tongues!

Lister, feeling like his stomach had been yanked out of his body by a hook, leant against the wall of the parlor, and groaned, but he was cut short cut short when he saw his Katy storming across the street "

"Hey babe!" he grinned, putting Hazza and Maria at the back of his mind "where you bin?"

She gave Lister a look of pure hatred and brought her hand across his cheek with an otherworldly force "you've been seeing my sister as well haven't you?" she snarled, raising her arm up for a repeat performance,

"I haven't, I swear!" gabbled Lister leaping away from the advancing hand.

"Liar!" she screamed, slapping him round the head again,

Lister managed to pin her arms down "I'm not" he paused "who told you?"

"She did!" growled Katy,

Lister cursed under his breath "I can explain!" he whined pathetically.

"Go on then..." hissed Katy, her kohl rimmed eyes narrowed dangerously.

Lister gave a weak smile, but said nothing

"Actually" he said finally "actually, I can't"

Katy went rigid with anger, "we-are-finished Dave Lister!"

Lister knew when things were bad as Katy always called him by his first name, "Honey" he pleaded

"Don't you' honey' me you evil, tow timing git, read my

lips scumbag WE ARE FINISHED!" Katy gave him one last icy glare before striding away.

Lister watched her walk off "can you tell your sister I'll pick her up at 8" Needless to say he got no reply.

"Lister" came a voice behind him. It was Hazza, looking confused and slightly embarrassed, "what are you doing here?" he asked.

"I was...just passing" Lister replied, watching Katy storm across the street, snarling at any unfortunate people who were in her way.

Hazza looked at Lister's glum face, and at Katy's raging show of pure anger and possible, as Lister so rightly predicted PMT, and put 2 and 2 together. He patted Lister on the back, "Katy broke up with you again?"

"Yup."

"You'll get back together- always do"

Lister bit his lip, "I dunno man. It's really bad this time-might be tomorrow before we're back together."


	5. Falling apart

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: Yes, we promised plenty of updates…and we kinda haven't, but here's an extra long (well extra long for us) chappie as a 'we're very sorry so please don't kill us' present. I think we're going to have to higher the rating because of use of 'extreme' language and violence. I think it's been quite fun delving into Lister's teenage years, cos we've written them in a teenaged angst fuelled passion and this story is getting more forbidding and more upsetting as it progresses but…boy are we loving it and we sincerely hope you are too. Cheers to all who are reading and reviewing, we think you all rock!

Raging tree trunk's A/N:Ok people. Sorry for the long delay what with coursework, mocks, boy troubles, getting Sunrise banned from the pc, and boy troubles sob I've hardly had time to contribute to any writing. So I guess it's my fault, however you can put your sharp sticks and pitchforks away cos it's finally here! And its a long chappie too, so enjoy, we worked hard too get it out to you before you forgot us, love and peace.

Rage xxxxx

Final word from sunrise: when did you Rage have boy troubles????

* * *

As luck would have it Katy and Lister made up the next morning, after he played his own rendition of Meatloaf's 'I would do anything for love' on his guitar. At first Katy pretended to be mad, but quickly subsided when he produced a large bunch of red roses from behind his back. 

"Oh my god!" she squealed, "These must have cost a fortune!"

Lister shrugged, and grinned shyly "they were a steal" For once he was telling the truth, little did Katy know they literally had been a steal, from Mrs Marple's front garden, whose husband used to garden for the famous zero-gee footballer Ashley Golebeck.

Katy grinned "you're soooooooo romantic, snuggle cheeks"

Lister blushed furiously "how many times have I told you not to call me that in public" he hissed, leaning forward covertly, bringing his shoulders up to his ears.

Katy pouted, "You're not ashamed of me, are you snuggle cheeks?"

"Stop calling me that!" growled Lister, checking the street for anyone he knew, luckily it was a Saturday morning, and the only people up at this time was old people and joggers. Lister allowed his eyes to wander down Katy's body that was clad in a short, white silk nightgown, with a pink see-through dressing gown pulled across her flimsily.

Katy spoke up "why aren't you looking me in the eye? OHMYGOD, you're ashamed of me, ohh god, you hate me, you think I'm a terrible girlfriend" Lister quickly slipped into his own little dream world, he'd got a lot of practise from Katy's previous ramblings and ravings. After what seemed like a sufficient pause to indicate he was listening to Katy, Lister finally spoke

"I'm not ashamed of you" he smiled sweetly.

"Why can't you look me in the eye then!" she sobbed.

"Because" said Lister smoothly "I was just admiring how beautiful your body is, and I was saving the best bit till last, your face!"

He watched Katy's paranoia and anger melt away like snow, and her tear-streaked face broke into a smile, coupled with her 'come to bed eyes'. This was enough for Lister, he slung his guitar over his shoulder, pulled Katy towards him, with perhaps more force then necessary but he was turned on, and kissed her.

"Get in there!"

Lister spun round, dropping Katy against the doorframe in the process. Hazza was leaning on the fence, grinning stupidly. Lister jerked his head to show Hazza to get lost, but he seemed immune to taking hints. "I've got something to tell you!" he smiled, "about Maria and Me!"

Lister suddenly became interested, he ran across the Hazza. "OI!" screamed Katy "where you going?"

Lister gestured at Hazza,

Katy went red, and her eyes narrowed "you'd rather hear about your sad git of a friends date then for me and you to..." she smiled sultry, moving her hips in a very descriptive wave.

Lister raised his eyebrows "sorry about this babe, but I really wanna find out what Maria and Hazza has been up to"

He could practically feel the hate vibes delving their way into his back as he hopped over the wall and patted Hazza on the back.

* * *

They went to their sort of hang out. 

Which was the park, Hazza sat on the swings, whilst Lister, sat effortlessly on the roundabout, lighting his cigarette.

"So" he asked finally, "how'd it go?"

Hazza give a small smile. "I love her" he sighed.

Lister practically choked on his cig, "w...what?" he coughed,

"I love her" repeated Hazza. His face suddenly broke into a huge smile. "I LOVE HER," he shouted throwing his arms wide.

Someone across the park shouted back "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Where any normal teenage boy would have either shut up or shouted abuse back, Hazza yelled "THANK YOU!" waving to the person, before Lister grabbed his arm, and pushed him into the swings

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he hissed

Hazza was a little taken aback by his display of anger "I don't get what you mean..." "Sayin' you love Maria, you barely know here, you've been on one date, one lousy arsed up date!"

Hazza gulped and eyed Lister guiltily, Lister sighed. "You haven't been on one smeggin date have you?"

Hazza attempted to pat Lister's arm but Lister shrugged him off angrily, "Get off my man" he spat, glaring at Hazza's hand like it was snake venom melting through his leather jacket.

Hazza shoved his hands in his pockets. "Look, Lister. I know me and Maria haven't known each other long.... but I know we just belong. Like positive and negative. She makes me feel whole. She makes me feel.... like I can do anything.... I would do anything for her. She completes me. Without her, I feel all the love has been sucked out of the world and with her, its like the love that was sucked out has been vacuum-packed straight into her. I can see myself with her forever. I feel I can be myself around her. I could fart and she'd just laugh, and say its ok- even you take the piss

When I do that Lister. With her- she understands I don't wanna look at another girl. I feel like, I can battle sea creatures. Swim oceans, brave deserts, deliver papers to Mrs. Velinski with the rotweiler. That's how... how I feel. With Maria."

Lister stared in horror at Hazza. He had done the impossible, despicable thing. He had fallen in love. Not with anyone either. But that stuck up cow, Maria Staccato, Miss Holeyer than-thou. The future Mrs. Maria Harrison?? Lister shook off the thought, "What does she have you on man?"

Hazza shrugged, "I guess its part of being in love."

Lister gapped, "You sound like a bad smeggin poem book!"

He shook his friend by the shoulders, "Snap out of it man. She's nothing. Just another girl. She's manipulative can't you see that? She's stuck up, she's, she's, using you. She has you round her little finger. SEE WHATS RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU MAN!"

Hazza snapped and lashed out at Lister, socking him hard across the cheek with such force he was knocked to the floor "YOU DONT GET IT MAN!" He stared at his fist before coldly looking at Lister, "I wouldn't expect you to understand. You've_ never_ been in love with anyone." Hazza snorted, "Except yourself maybe."

Lister said nothing, Hazza shook his head and walked off, Lister watched sorrowfully as the boy he thought was his friend, walked out of the park. For the first time in years, Lister drew his knees to his chest and cried.

In the all too familiar smoky room of the 'The Aigburth Arms pub' Lister sat crossed legged on a faded armchair, staring at the pool tables or more at the space beneath them. It had come as a shock to him to find out he was left abandoned under a pool table, since then he felt he had a special bond with this place, often coming in to sit for hours on end. At first, having a school kid coming in didn't exactly thrill the bartender and sitting in the pub, so Lister would often find himself being grabbed by the scruff of the neck and thrown onto the street with a 'and stay out!' this didn't stop him coming in, he'd simply break the toilet window and climb in, very quickly the bartender learnt it was far easier to allow Lister to sit in the bar, rather then replace toilet windows weekly.

On this particular day, Lister had been sat in the Aigburth arms for nearly an hour, when a shadow was cast on the floor in front of his eyes, glancing up, he saw it was Hazza, looking incredibly guilty.

"Go away" snarled Lister, turning away from Hazza.

"Lister" he begged "please, i'm sorry, I talked to Maria, and she said I might have been a little cruel to you..."

"You think?" laughed Lister sarcastically.

Hazza wasn't paying attention, he was gazing round the room, "why d'you always come in here, man" he asked "it's the pits"

Lister remained silent.

Lister didn't look away from the beneath the pool table whilst answering Hazza coldly "You know why I come here Hazza"

Hazza scrunched his face, "Yea I remember you saying something- summit bout your mum and dad meeting here or summit... to be honest mate I wasn't really listening I was too busy oglin' that barmaids fantastic tits- I mean, -not as good as Maria's but still, - PHROAW"

Lister felt a single tear roll down his cheek, "You never listen when it matters do you…"

Hazza frowned, "What was that? ARE YOU CRYING?"

Lister scowled, "Fuck off man."

Hazza leant closer to him "shit" he swore, when he finally realized something was up "what's up?"

"Nothin'" said Lister, hastily wiping his face

"Somethin's up" persisited Hazza "this past few week you've been moody, you're always angry at me, you hate Maria and now you;re cryin'...maybe it's a hormone imbalance?"

Lister felt the corners of his mouth tug into a smile, but he somehow managed to stop it.

"Seriously mate" said Hazza, "I think you're turning into a girl, with the worse case of PMT in the world...I could just see you and Katy now...sat on the couch eating chocolate and watching titanic..."

That was it then, Lister began laughing "fuckin' nutter" he said, punching Hazza

Hazza ignored the punch, "Aww man, you'll probably wake up one morning and it'll have fallen off-"

"It!" gasped Lister horrified,

Hazza rolled his eyes and gestured wildly with his hands, "You know- _It_"

It was Lister's turn to roll his eyes, "Your supposed to be the one who wants to bonk Maria yet you can't even say _It's _name."

Hazza scowled, "I can too, it's a… it's a… LISTER! I don't wanna talk about bodily parts with you! You…you… perv…ewww"

Lister stood up angrily, "I thought you'd come to apologize!" he said walking away

Hazza shifted, "Yeah well, I said sorry."

"Sorry means you'll never do it again. You've done it over and over now man! YOU NEVER LEARN YOUR FUCKIN' LESSON!"

Hazza scowled, "Well if YOU didn't hate Maria so much!"

Lister blinked back more tears, "Sorry just int good enough man…Leave me alone"

Hazza immediately regretting what he said reached out to Lister who stepped back, "Tell her to leave alone too. Both of you… Just stay out of my way."


	6. Metaphoric symbolism of Pigeons

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: Ug, the start of school was on wed...so drained...of will...indivdiaulity..and the desire to live...somehow managed to write, and that cheered me up! I love the character Hazza, thinking about what we could make him do is a blast, and we draw inspiration from the goons (we could use more 'fitting' words but we'd be arrested!) at our school. We've also been making Lister look a little bit...bitchy...but we love him like that. Peace, Sunrise.

Raging Tree Trunk A/N: Ok, hey ppl. I've been sick today- joy; but writing has helped I feel A LOT better. Still pretty meh, but better- anyway… School is back. OH DEAR LORD HAVE MERCY. I love my precious babies and they make me feel better :) –the characters you fools not LITERALLY! Omg, me and kids shudders at though- anyway. We are kinda drawing to the last stages of our sordid tale, and believe us as bad and angst filled an emotional rollercoaster this seems- real life is worse! My muse took a vacation and has missed his flight back as of yet… So, ya… anyway we have a few more chappies to go still. One last new character hehe ;) which is actually- ohh I can't say it'll give it away- it's only a brief character but still- haha better go now before I give it away! Peace and Love, always and forever –is that a song? - Trunky (hehe)

P.S- We are very fond of the pigeon song. It _is _a real song actually sung by us and made up years ago. Watch this space- ONE DAY WE WILL ROCK THE WORLD WITH THE PIGEON SONG!

-Until then. Bye.

* * *

It seemed to Lister the further he went in life the crappier it got. Hazza had took note of Lister's threat and was keeping his distance, but he kept catching his eye, shrugging his shoulders and giving off thousands of signals indicating he wanted to end this feud.

Lister ignored this, it wasn't easy, he and Hazza were like a package, if you got one you always got the other. Hazza and Lister, Lister and Hazza, they were inseparable…or at least he thought they were.

After nearly a month of not talking to Hazza, Lister felt like his world had fallen apart, he'd even stopped messing about in lessons, he didn't do work though…he just sat there staring at the wall, in his own little word.

This provoked mixed reactions from the teachers…

Some were scared, seeing a quiet Lister sent them into a trembling wreck, others were convinced he was ill and would often feel his forehead expecting him to be burning up with a fever and beg him to go and see the school nurse.

It was during one maths lesson when the messenger entered; naturally the whole class looked up from their work at the young boy's arrival.

"M…miss" he stammered, staring at the large class of 15 and 16 year olds with wide eyes "Dave Lister has got to go and see Mr Granger now…" he quickly fled the room.

All eyes then turned on Lister, who stared back un-perplexed by the increase of attention. The teacher nodded for him to leave, so he grabbed his bag and set of on the familiar route to Grangers office.

Through force of habit Lister sat on the 'naughty' chair outside, it was 15 minutes later when Mr Granger stormed out of his office, past Lister and down the corridor.

"Sir?" Lister called at the receding headmasters back.

Mr Granger stopped, and spun round, he squinted at Lister before nodding his head in recollection "ah yes, Lister. I was just about to come and find you, give you a telling off for ignoring my message" he then began to usher Lister into his room.

"Am I in trouble sir?" asked Lister, sinking into the chair that faced Grangers desk. Having been very passive these past few weeks meant he hadn't been getting into trouble, what could he possibly done that was so bad it meant Granger wanted to see him?

"No" wheezed the headmaster sitting down on his reclining office chair "you're not in trouble" he paused and pushed his glasses up his nose "My God, I thought I'd never say those words to you…"

Lister admitted he'd have never thought he'd see the day when a teacher said he wasn't it trouble!

Mr Granger coughed and fixed Lister with a sympathetic stare, something which really scared him…. there was something un-natural about a teacher being kind.

"I have heard about yours and Aaron Harrison's...erm…little disagreement…"

Lister hurriedly looked away, but Mr Granger continued, "Now, when I first heard this I thought I was going senile but it turned out-"

"You were going senile," muttered Lister,

Mr Granger frowned "less cheek boy, more respect…I _wasn't_ going senile, and I was shocked to discover I'd heard it correctly, you and Harrison had fallen out…"

"Sir, does this discussion have a point?" groaned Lister, as the memories of his and Hazza's fight became clear in his mind.

"Of course it has a bloody point boy" snapped Granger "why d'you think I dragged your worthless arse up here, for a cup of bloody tea perhaps?" he then laughed at his own joke, and looked towards Lister as a way of saying 'join in'

"Ha Ha…" said Lister unenthusiastically.

Granger scowled at him "I'm referring you to our school counsellor" he said, writing out a note.

"What?" cried Lister "we have a school counsellor?"

"Yes" barked Mr Granger; glancing up momentarily from his note "her office is next to the library…"

There was a thoughtful pause from Lister,

"We have a library!?!" he exclaimed shocked.

At first Lister was sceptical about seeing a counsellor, he'd had previous encounters with people in a psychological career and quickly developed a strong feeling of loathing to anyone had Dr. at the start of their name but didn't wear a white coat.

He was sent to see a child psychologist when he was found with his head down the toilet apparently talking to his dead dad.

Lister remembered being very scared of the man who he was sat in a room with.

He was freakishly tall with large shiny black eyes, a large pointy nose and a curly beard, which he stroked like a cat whilst he talked. Lister did his best not to talk to the scarily-tall-beard-stroking-stranger who asked bizarre questions like "Under what context do you think you and your father 'bonded' most?"

Lister just sat and stared at the funny man, wondering what kind of drugs he was on, and after nearly 2 hours of 'therapy' the psychologist gave up and announced Lister was a difficult child who was incapable of advanced communication.

When Lister had found the notes on his session several years later, he was outraged… "_Difficult_?!?" he yelled in a mixture of anger and confusion "For not answering some probing questions asked by a man who looked like a reject extra from the 'Gremlins' film! _'Incapable of advanced communication' _what did the tosser expect from a 6 year old, Shakespearean verse? What a wanker!"

Lister then came up with the assumption that all psychologists and counsellors must be like that, and should therefore be avoided at all costs.

He then read the note Mr Granger had given him.

"I herby give me permission for Dave Lister

To be out of his lesson as he is seeing the school counsellor.

Signed Mr Granger  
Headmaster"

"Get out of lesson free card" Lister grinned "perfect!" now all he had to do was find the library…tricky!

"Dr Phillips: School Counsellor"

A shiny brass plaque was mounted to the door, it was like a sign announcing on coming death. Lister took a deep breath and knocked on the door before opening it.

The first thing he noticed was a nicely rounded bottom in a tight skirt,

"If this is counselling" thought Lister "I think I'm having a mental break down…"

The owner of the bottom stood up and smiled at Lister.

"Hello" she breezed "I'm Dr Phillips but you can call me Helen" She was tall, large chested with a pleasant, understanding face…quite unlike the long nosed beard stroking individual he'd been expecting.

"Dave Lister" smiled Lister,  
"I know" smiled Helen "you're quite well known..."  
Lister grinned back at her, and took a seat…

Lister found Hazza kicking a football (huge shock) at the side of the sports hall,

"Hi" said Lister meekly

Hazza stopped and straightened up to full height "what's this, Dave Lister...talking to moi!" he said to apologise" grimaced Lister.

"Oh" laughed Hazza sarcastically "you've come to apologise..."

You're not making this any easier," groaned Lister, but Hazza still continued getting more and more sarcastic

"Oh, i'm not making this any easier am I...well sorrr-rrrryyyy!" Hazza then began to kick the ball at the wall again, with more venom this time.

"I'm sorry," muttered Lister, resisting the urge to play football with Hazza's big stupid, arrogant sarcastic head.

"Oh, you're sorry are you?" Snarled Hazza "what's the matter, a pretty feathery angel came down and told you to mend your wicked ways...or else!"

"No" said Lister; shaking his head "I've been referred to a counsellor..."

Hazza carried on once again, sarcasm clearly in full flow "oh you've been to a counsellor...there's a new excuse..." he paused "actually" he said turning to face Lister; face screwed up in confusion "that is a new excuse...a counsellor?"

Lister nodded, "Yeah."

Hazza raised an eyebrow and nodded Lister's slow nod, "Alright then- I think- so a counsellor eh? Err, why?"

Lister shrugged "kindayou" he muttered,

"What?"

"You…"

"Sorry didn't hear..."

"YOU! YOU FREAK!"

Hazza paled, "Lister- I... I never knew you felt that way- I..."

"What?"

Hazza blushed, "If I'd known you loved me man, I'd you know- I don't mind that you gay or anything- it makes sense really-"

Lister let out an unholy shriek, "You think I'm gay?!? IT MAKES SENSE!?"

Hazza blushed, "Well that's why they refer you to counsellor's innit- to get over a broken..." Hazza trailed off as he noticed Lister's expression.

"I'm not gay, man."

Hazza nodded, "sure...."

"I'm not."

"Ok. Calm down…" Hazza grinned smugly before adding, "I know you ogle my arse"

Lister laughed "yeah, and everyone knows you can't keep your eyes off mine..." "Man bitch!" laughed Hazza, kicking the ball over to him. "She-male" retorted Lister, "GIGALO!" They both screamed before laughing heartily, glad everything was back to normal, Lister laughed, 'God, it's like a musical' he thought 'everything working out' it was then that he remembered something. "Hazza man, I've got to show you summit" he grabbed Hazza's arm and dragged him to the music department. 

Lister strummed a few notes on his guitar, making Hazza shudder slightly.

"Now" said Lister, flicking his eyes towards Hazza to check he had his full concentration "bear with me on this one, man. It's a little serious, so just sit back, relax and concentrate solely on the poetry of lyrics…"

Hazza give a strained smile as Lister began to sing.

"Watch out, pigeon!

Car hit, pigeon!

Very smushed, pigeon

Go to heaven, pigeon

Go to Hell, pigeon

End of…pigeon!"

He grinned at Hazza expectantly "Whatcha think?" he asked brightly.

Hazza truly didn't know whether to laugh or cry, "it was…interesting" he said meekly.

"Did you get the metaphoric symbolism in the song?"

Hazza gaped open mouthed at Lister "What metaphoric symbolism, it was a song about a bloody PIGEON!"

"Yeah" shrugged Lister, annoyed that his creative genius was being subjected to such slander…from Hazza even "but only people with teeny tiny minds can't see that the pigeon is a hugely important piece in the jigsaw of the song!

Hazza's face became desperate, and if not a little confused "IT'S. A. BLOODY. PIGOEN" he wailed.

"It's not just a pigeon" huffed Lister, plucking a string on his guitar sulkily "the pigeon represents life, and the car, you know the car that ran over the pigeon?"

Hazza nodded mutely

"Well the car is like life begin a total bitch, I got the idea when I saw a can I was kickin' get squashed by a lorry"

Hazza frowned "then why isn't this song about a can?"

Lister shrugged his shoulders "can just didn't have the same ring as pigeon" he then began to repeat a bit of the song "Watch out, can!

"Car hit, can!"

He paused; eagerly awaiting Hazza's cry of 'my god, pigeon sounds so much better', but it didn't come.

"See" said Lister excitedly "can just doesn't flow as well as pigeon"

"I've got to be brutally honest, mate" said Hazza "it doesn't flow well when it's pigeon either!"

Lister scowled "critic" he snapped darkly.

Hazza shrugged his shoulders, but then smiled.

"Lemme guess" sighed Lister "Maria's coming this way…"

"How'd?" was all Hazza could manage,

"I know you _too_ well," said Lister.

Maria wrapped her arms round Hazza's shoulders and settled herself into his lap "Hello baby" she cooed, running her fingers through her boyfriend's hair.

Lister coughed, partly as a way of obtaining attention but also as a warning to Hazza and Maria, as he didn't feel like watching the two of them 'get it on' at this precise moment.

Maria then noticed the guitar Lister was holding "wow" she said, "You play guitar?"

Lister looked at her, trying to decide if she was serious, she did sound interested "yeah" he replied proudly,

"Who taught you to play?" she asked.

"This old guy who lived outside the church"

Hazza coughed, "The guy who lives outside the church? The old one with the beard?"

Lister nodded, "Yup."

"The one with the wooden leg and that big scar?"

"The very same"

"The one who has an eye patch although he has both eyes in perfect working order?"

"Yea…"

"The one that doesn't actually play the guitar, but does however play harmonica with a comb and paper…except without any paper so he just basically plays the comb- oh and he stinks of cider? That one?"

"Well-"

"The one with the-"

"ALRIGHT MAN YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT, I MEAN HOW MANY BEARDED, WOODEN LEGGED, SCARRED, CIDER DRINKING, EYEPATCH WEARING, COMB PLAYING GUYS DO YOU KNOW?"


	7. Death Wishes

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N:** Me and Raging Tree Trunk knew where this story was going (we _are_ the authors...merely monkeys with a typewriter and a lot of spare time) and we had all these 'things' Hazza could say...but when we came to write it, they didn't seem...bad enough.  
I wrote most of the conflict scenes on MSN (the joy and bain of my life) and R.T.T kept going 'ouch' or 'oohhhh that's harsh' becuase some of the things Hazza (or more of me) was coming out with were so deeply personal and creul. I hated writing this to be brutally honest,I kept wanting to halt the scene and write it in that everyone forgave each other and decided to give Lister a big hug...but alas I couldn't.  
I'd like to stress now that things are going to get better for Lister...peace out and pan fried noodles!  
XXX Sunrise

**Raging Tree Trunk's A/N:**hello ppl whatever bex said I agree with unless its negative about me. If its negative towards bex i'm all for it. Otherwise sorry this chappie took so long, I didn't really do too much writing, more lay down the foundations and structure for bex, anyway ttyl Lotsa love Liz xxxx

* * *

Over the following weeks Lister watched as Hazza changed once again in front of his eyes.

He was getting A's and B's whereas before he'd have been lucky to scrape a U. Lister had tried talking to Hazza about it, but the subject was always quickly changed.

He found himself spending more and more time in Helen's office, talking about things he never even knew he, it helped a lot as she was a great listener

"And then-" said Lister, "he goes waltzin' off with Maria 'rod stuck up her arse' Staccato and ditches me...I mean, can you believe that!?!" he said, looking up at Helen, he then spotted her writing something. "What's that?" he asked, now very worried. Nothing good came from people of high authority writing things around Lister.

"Just some notes" she shrugged, putting her pen down and trying not to look guilty.

"Can I see?" asked Lister.

Helen grimaced "I can't actually let you read them.... school rules…sorry!"

"Oh" said Lister, crossing his arms,

"I can read them out, then we're not technically breaking the rules." she smiled, before clearing her throat "_Dave is a energetic young boy who has dealt with everything life has thrown at him so far perfectly. Although he has been labelled a trouble maker by staff and other pupils, I believe there is more to him then a loud mouthed yob_..."

Lister smirked "I wouldn't say loud mouthed...more of...chatty"

Helen laughed and flicked her hair.

Lister didn't like to admit it, but he fancied Helen a little…okay a lot! She was incredibly attractive but also she was a nice, friendly woman, and perhaps the only person in Lister's life who took the time to listen to him.

"I'd better go now," sighed Lister, watching Helen adjust her top,

"Good bye Dave, I'll see you next time" she laughed, "I'll be waiting..."

Lister nodded and closed her door before leaning on it "so will I..." he murmured.

* * *

Lister found himself once again sat in Helen's office; the one thing different about this trip was that Hazza was sat beside him, whistling in anticipation. 

After hearing so much about Aaron Harrison a.k.a 'Hazza', she felt the need to meet the mystery man himself, at first Lister didn't want to have Hazza tagging along with him on a trip to his counselor.

Helen was the only person in the world Lister thought he could be himself with; bringing Hazza along would spoil the enjoyment of not having a persona.

In a moment of weakness Lister had asked Hazza to come along and they were now currently sat on Helen's comfy chairs, waiting for her to finish writing a report.

"Now…" smiled Helen, ruffling her hair "this is the famous Aaron Harrison"

"Infamous" Hazza corrected smiling back at her.

'Typical' thought Lister's bitterly 'has to flirt with every bit of skirt that walked his way' he then remembered that he often flirted with Helen, but that was beside the point.

The 3 of them talked briefly of Hazza and Lister's friendship, the conversation naturally turned to how it had recently been going sour.

Helen sighed, "Dave, can you tell me you favorite moment that you've shared with Hazza?"

Lister bit his lip "I don't have one" he said, sneaking at glance at Hazza,

"Surely there must be one moment you enjoyed with him?"

Lister shrugged his shoulders "well…best time I reckon was when me and Hazza were at me girlfriend, Katy's house, and she was in the bath…and…we're were drunk…so for a laugh we tried on all her clothes…in the end we were dancin' round her bedroom signing 'like a virgin' dressed in her bras and skirts and stuff!"

Hazza grinned as the memories of that evening came flooding back to him "oh yeah" he laughed, "I remember that…we weren't drunk though!"

"We were" said Lister quickly, catching Helen's eye and cringing.

"Lister man, we were sober…for once…we just…you know wondered what it was like…personally I think a bras' pretty comfortable and I never knew Lister had such _fabulous_ cleavage!"

"Will you ever learn to shut up?" hissed Lister, jabbing Hazza in the ribs,

"Don't be embarrassed" said Helen, halting the boys mid battle, Lister could have sworn she had a smirk on her face "lot's of teenage boys experiment, it's their way of determining their sexuality"

Lister laughed, "I know my sexuality…"

"Yeah but" said Hazza "how d'you know that you actually know what your sexuality is?"

Lister's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, "eh?"

Hazza opened his mouth to reply but Helen butted in,

"Have you two ever kissed?" she asked, pen raised in readiness.

"WHAT!" Lister and Hazza screamed in unison.

"You sure?" asked Helen, smiling expectantly at them.

"No" said Lister, resisting the urge to gag "I'm not a bloke's bloke…I'm completely straight!"

"He does fancy me though," offered Hazza,

"I do not," said Lister, his voice had gone high with shock and disgust.

"He does…he likes my arse" said Hazza, leaning towards Helen and smiling.

"I don't" said Lister, getting really agitated now, "I don't…honest!"

"Oh dear" sighed Hazza "he's in denial"

"I'm not in denial," laughed Lister

"See" said Hazza, feeling this proved his point perfectly,

"Shut up before I shut you up!" hissed Lister, grabbing Hazza by his shirt,

"See anger! Shit mate, you're going through the stages a bit quick...denial...anger...next you'll go in a sulk!"

Lister dropped Hazza, turned away and crossed his arms defiantly.

"See...he's gone in a sulk" smirked Hazza.

"Haven't," muttered Lister moodily.

"Yes you have! You've gone in a sulk because it's been proved that you fancy the pants off me!"

Lister was about to hurl abuse at Hazza, when he decided to play along, that'd freak him out!

"Oh yes Hazza" he sighed, laying a hand on Hazza's thigh and gazing deep into his eyes "I fancy you soooooooo much and I want you to touch and kiss me the same way as you touch and kiss Maria!"

To Lister's annoyance, Hazza was fully aware of what he was doing and he was playing along with Lister playing along

"Yeah" he grinned, "I bet you'd like that bitch, come' on bend over, let me spank you!"

"What" said Lister, quickly yanking his hand away shocked.

"I'm horny and I want it baby, so say my name bitch!" moaned Hazza, hurling himself at Lister.

It was like the Romeo and Juliet thing all over again; only Lister and Hazza had switched places, and this time it wasn't funny…

"I think that's enough for today," cried Helen, trying not to laugh.

It couldn't have come at a better time for Lister as Hazza was trying to put his tongue in his ear.

* * *

Once outside Lister stormed off, 

"That was a bit of a laugh, wasn't it" grinned Hazza, but he found he was talking to thin air.

He ran to catch up to Lister,

"Where you goin'?" he asked, grabbing his friends arm but only to have it thrown off,

"Away from you!" snarled Lister.

"What've I done now?" asked Hazza. It was obvious the mood had dramatically changed, one moment everything was fine…the next he and Lister were at each other's throats. It had been getting progressively worse over the last couple of weeks, they'd gone from never having a crossed word between them to full scale slanging matches over things so trivial they were laughable.

Lister spun round; his eyes flashed dangerously "I'll tell you what you've done! You're taking the piss, you just don't seem to understand Hazza, that there's a right time for your crappy jokes and in there…" He pointed towards Helen's office "was not the right time!"

Hazza rolled his eyes "you've changed man" he muttered, turning to walk off.

Lister laughed, "I've changed? What about you, what happened to the Hazza who went 3 months without washin'? The Hazza who handed in his math homework 8 months late!?!"

"He's gone," said Hazza coldly.

"Yeah" replied Lister, "she made him go FUCKIN' MARIA STACCATO!"

"Don't you dare talk about her like that!" Hazza yelled, clenching his fists.

"I can talk about her any way I like" smirked Lister, at seeing Hazza getting so wound up. "She's a stuck up self centred, manipulative bitch who thinks by "changin'" the schools worst student into a so called "decent" person, she'll be loved and admired by everyone- and i'm telling you now, that wide hipped trollop'll drop you like a hot potato once she's finished with you and then move onto some pretty boy blond git with wads of cash and a 2 figure I.Q and she won't even spare I thought for you when your jump off that bridge heartbroken- dump the bitch now! Before she dumps you!"

Hazza stayed silent, his heavy breathing the only thing interrupting the silence of the empty corridor "you and me, Lister" he said finally in a strangled voice "we're gonna fight…"

Lister felt his mouth go dry and his heart hammered inside his chest "w-what?"

"You heard me!" snarled Hazza, rolling back his sleeves to reveal his muscled arms. "we're gonna finish this- right here, right now!"

Lister was about to laugh, convinced this was a joke but something about Hazza's face made him freeze. This wasn't a joke…this was real!

"I don't wanna fight you, Hazza," mumbled Lister, staring at the floor. Part of him wanted to, but Helen had told him violence only hurts people, not just physically but mentally.

Hazza smirked. For some reason he was really enjoying this, for weeks he'd endured Lister bad mouthing Maria. Now he was getting his own back…  
"Coward" he laughed maliciously whilst leaning against the wall as if this were all a joke.

"I'm not a coward!" Lister found himself yelling.

"Then fight me then" said Hazza, he flung his arms out wide as if to mock Lister "if you think you're a real man, go ahead and hit me!"

Lister didn't move, he stayed put, merely staring at Hazza, trying to remind himself that Hazza was his mate…or at least he thought he was.

"Oh I forgot," said Hazza snidely "you're not a real man are you!"

Lister's reactions were like lighting, before Hazza could even breathe he'd been grabbed by the shirt and flung bodily through the double doors that led to the school yard, he landed painfully on his back and for a moment lay there, dazed and winded.

"You Bastard!" hissed Lister, grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him upright.

Hazza recoiled slightly, he'd never seen Lister this angry before, he'd seen him marginally pissed off but this was something different. There was a demonic quality about it and deep down it was scaring him…

"You fuckin' bastard" screamed Lister, pushing Hazza away with such a force that he stumbled, "I didn't want to fight you, cos you're meant to be my mate! You've ruined it Hazza! You've ruined everything!"

He then punched Hazza in the face just as the school bell rang for break, and students began to file out onto the yard.

A fight was something of a rarity in Ashford Comp and when one did happen it was often over something stupid and usually involved the two boys (it was always the boys) attempting to pull each other's shirts off. But to the pupils that now gathered around Hazza and Lister, this fight looked like it was going to be something spectacular.

Hazza was taken aback by Lister's punch, with trembling hands he felt where he'd been hit before snarling and punching Lister back.

The pupils' set off cheering, this fight was worthy of the name fight, rather then 'girly attempt to undress your opponent contest'

Hazza being the taller of the 2 should have had the advantage, he could easily push Lister away but it was proving difficult as Lister's punching hardly slowed enough to give Hazza a chance to defend himself.

He finally lashed out and managed to stop Lister's attack, this gave him enough time to grab his neck and force him against the porta-cabin wall.

"You're an arsehole, Lister!" he said in a dangerous whisper "you're a jealous little git, jealous of me and Maria" he scowled "you're pathetic, I wish I'd never met you…" feeling his point had been made; he let go of Lister and walked off.

BIG MISTAKE.

He had his back to Lister, who once the opportunity came he ran full pelt at Hazza, the crowd of pupils yelled their warnings but it was too late. Hazza found himself being knocked onto the floor for the second time that day.

"Care to repeat that?" mocked Lister kneeling on Hazza's back, grabbing hold of his arm and twisting it painfully whilst grinding him into the gravel of the yard.

Hazza groaned, "You're breakin' my arm!"

"You're lucky it's not your neck," snapped Lister

"Let me go Lister!" Hazza yelled, writhing about in agony "or I'll-"

"Or what?" laughed Lister "I don't really think you're in a position to argue at the moment are you _Hazza_?"

The crowd of students laughed, angering Hazza even more.

"Dave Lister, you jumped up little bastard, get off me!" he paused "or I'll tell them-" Lister went cold, there was something about the way Hazza had said that…it sounded bad...evil almost.

"Tell them what?" said Lister in a whisper; not noticing his grip on Hazza's arm had loosened

Hazza smirked and raised his voice "that you were dumped by your own parents!"

Excited whispers rippled through the pupils, some laughed.

Lister jerked away from Hazza, who got up slowly.

"It's true folks" he laughed, turning to the crowd of students "Dave 'cock of the school' Lister was left abandoned by his own parents underneath a pool table in a pub" more people laughed, "You'd think his own parents would like him enough to keep him? Obviously not!"

Lister was numb with shock; his former best mate had just revealed his deepest, darkest secret to practically the whole school. Within an hour everyone will know.

"You're a bastard Hazza," muttered Lister,

Hazza spun round, eyes fixed on Lister like a snake concentrating on it's prey "actually Lister" he yelled "_you're_ the bastard, you don't know who your father is.... come to think of it" he laughed, "you don't know who your mother is!"

Lister calmly walked up to Hazza, gave him a fleeting smile before punching him on the nose, there was a loud cracking sound and Hazza held his nose, crying out in pain. The crowd gasped, some booed at the unfair play but Lister ignored them.

He was too busy beating the crap out of Hazza.

He kicked him as hard as he could in the balls, making him sink to the floor, one hand on pressed against his nose to stop the blood flow, the other on his injured manhood.

"I know it's wrong to kick a guy while he's down" he then kicked Hazza in the ribs as the crowd cheered and yelled "but i'm not one to play by the rules..." he bent down to Hazza's eye level, and smirked.

"I think we can safely say this friendships over, _Aaron_" he then took hold of Hazza's chin and moved his head to look him in the eye "and the next time you feel the need to publicly announce my life you'll not live to reap the glory!" He shoved Hazza's face away, "any last words? Traitor?" he asked.

Hazza was shaking in pain by now, he had his arms wrapped round his rips, "yeah..." he nodded "I FUCKIN' HATE YOU AND I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU!"

For Lister, that hurt more than the punches. He stared at Hazza with pleading eyes, "why you doin' this Hazza? What've I done wrong?" he asked, blinking back the tears.

"You've been wrecking my fucking life Lister, if I continued to hang around with you, I'd probably be in nick before I was 20!" he paused and spat some blood onto the floor "like I said Lister, I wish I'd never met you! In fact I wish you were dead!"

Lister backed off; he pushed his way through the crowd, and ran...


	8. Of Adolf and Ashbury

**Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N:** Hi. Bet you didn't expect us so soon did you? It was only Monday when we last posted and here we are again! Okay, thanks for all your reviews, they bring sunshine to an otherwise crummy life! This chapter is marginally nicer then the last…so enjoy!

**Raging Tree Trunk's A/N:** Once again I've been a lazy bum, but i'm getting back into it now but you know why don't you.... no? MY MUSE IS BACK!!!!! Does muse is back dance anyway, I want to tie this story up soon before the ideas float away so we should be updating more often- lol anyway toodles i'm too happy to sit still!

* * *

Lister raced down the corridor, hot tears streaking his cheeks. He didn't even knock as he flung open the door to Helen's office.

She jumped, but smiled as she saw it was him… her smile vanished however when she realised something was dreadfully wrong.

"I'll call you back, Jen" she said quickly, before dropping the phone back onto its cradle without taking her eyes off Lister.

A moment of awkward silence existed between them,

"What's wrong?" she whispered, moving her hand to the seat next to her.

Lister ignored her gesture; he stood frozen on the spot, tears still cascading down his already wet face.

"He hates me," he breathed, before screwing his face up in anger "he fuckin' hates me"

A vile, enraged demon inside of Lister reared it's ugly head, spitting and hissing spiteful insults and criticisms, filling his vision with red, sending the power of raw anger flowing like a tidal wave of blood through his body.

Lister felt a scream tear itself from his throat, through a haze of tears he kicked out, trying to exorcise the anger that was welling up inside him.

He lashed out, screaming, cursing, crying, he beat both fists against the wall but that wasn't enough…he then kicked it.

Until finally, like a limp rag doll, he sank to the floor, and pulled at the front of his fringe, sobbing his heart out.

He felt a warm pair of arms wrap round his shoulders and pull him into a maternal embrace.

The beast inside him was instantly soothed as he curled himself deeper into the hug. He'd never really been hugged, not even as a young child.

None of his girlfriends were into hugs and it seemed he'd forgotten how safe and content you felt when someone wrapped you in their arms.

Helen hushed calming noises at him, rocking him gently, smoothing down his hair. Lister gazed up at her, and managed a weak smile.

At that moment Helen saw the little boy in his eyes.

When she first met him, she noted his dark, forbidding eyes…eyes that had no doubt seen more hardship than a grown up.

Lister had the eyes of a man who'd witnessed the bloodshed and horror of war yet now, they were softer, it was as if the child inside him that had been forced to grow up so quickly was being reborn…being given a second chance.

She sighed, pulling him towards her even tighter as he retold the events of his and Hazza's fight, she found herself crying at some of the things Hazza had said to Lister.

Children were so cruel, they instantly knew a persons weak spots and their insults were designed to wound the soul.

She found it hard to believe that it was the same boy that had sat in her office just that morning, who'd just said such terrible and hurtful things to Lister.

"My poor, Dave. Why's life always treating you so bad?" she said, before offering him a tissue from her pocket  
Lister wiped his nose on her offered tissue, but said nothing.

"I know you'll hate me for saying this" she murmured "but I think you should let him be…just leave him alone"

Lister stiffened, but still he remained silent.

"He wants to become his own person, and he thinks to achieve that he needs to ditch you, so…I say let him do it. It'll be hard, I won't lie to you...but in 50 years, 20…maybe even a years time, he'll wake up and realise he lost the best friend he could ever wish to have…"

Lister nodded, he should have seen this coming, best friends don't beat each other up then walk off as if nothing had happened.

"I think you're best off" Helen continued, "leaving Hazza-"

"Don't call him Hazza" said Lister suddenly, making Helen jump slightly as up until then he'd been quiet.

"D'you mind if I ask why?" she said, turning Lister to face her.

He averted his eyes, "Hazza was my best mate" he smiled "but he's gone now...forever probably...the only 'thing' that's left is...the lad out there...Aaron Harrison...the anti-Hazza!"

Helen nodded understandingly "I suggest you avoid this..._Aaron Harrison_ character, just leave him to his own devices"

Lister nodded "I knew I shouldn't have trusted him in the first place..." he said shrugging his shoulders.

"What makes you say that?" asked Helen,

"Aaron Harrison, initials A.H…know anyone else who's a total head case with the initials A.H?"

Helen frowned in thought "I can't say I know of any?"

"Adolf Hitler" Lister smirked "shame he's long dead, he and Harrison could have struck up a very close friendship!"

Helen laughed, "cheeky" she teased.

There was a sudden bang on the door, which supposedly was meant to be a knock, and without waiting for an answer the door was kicked open.

Mr Granger entered, his face red, his glasses askew and his chest was heaving.

"You" he growled, jabbing a finger at Lister "Arse. Office. Get it up there. NOW!"  
Lister looked towards Helen, as if begging for her protection.

"You'd better go, Dave," she said, patting his back "I'll catch up with you later"

So Lister reluctantly pulled himself off the safety of the floor and followed the still wheezing Mr Granger to his office.

He barely noticed anything whilst he walked down the corridor, his brain however suddenly kicked into gear when he saw who was slumped outside Grangers office.

Aaron Harrison.

He was holding an already sodden tissue to his nose, which appeared to have not stopped bleeding yet.

Lister felt a small tug of guilt; he'd really kicked the shit out of Hazza…he hadn't realised it at the time…

Granger hurled open the door of his office.

"IN!" he snarled, jerking his head towards Lister, who reluctantly followed.

He could feel Hazza's eyes on his back, he tried to ignore it by reminding himself he had bigger problems just ahead.

He'd barely passed beaneath the door frame before Granger had grabbed hold of his shirt, forced him into a chair and slammed the door with such a force, his certificates all fell off the wall with a crash.

"I've just been talking to that little twerp outside…he says you beat him up!" Granger bellowed, leaning on the desk as to get as close to Lister as possible.

"He beat me up first" replied Lister sullenly.

The headmaster made a noise like a pig caught in a trap "I can just about handle you _and_ Aaron Harrison being the biggest pair of trouble making in this school, but when you two fight_ against each other _…" he left his sentence hanging "I'm one truancy away from a heart attack!" he cried, collapsing dramatically into his chair before jumping back up again after noticing he'd left his rant half done.

"The fact is Lister, you've spent more time in my office in your school life then I have. Your detention time mounts up to nearly a whole school year. Your permanent records so full with your wrongdoings…it has it's own room! Your attainment grades are so low; you'd being beaten in everything by the spiders that live in the P.E cupboard! To put it short Lister…you are a scruffy, moronic, idiotic waste of space!"

Lister opened his mouth to protest, but Granger was in no mood for interruptions.

"You've been a thorn in my side for years now, you're a festering, loathsome little runt! You've achieved nothing and the only thing you've gained is a reputation for being a troublesome little git!"

Lister felt like he's been punched in the chest, a cold blanket enveloped him as he glanced down at the floor.

Granger was right. He never he'd thought he'd admit it- but the old git was right!

A lone tear crawled down Lister's cheek, his day was going from bad to worse and then somehow going from worse to 'people have killed themselves after having a day like this'.

Mr. Granger continued rambling, "-You see this calendar boy?!" he roared, jabbing to the one on his desk "This calendar is counting down the days till you leave this godforsaken building- but why wait? Why not just get you out now! I have no objections- and my insurance company would be thrilled no doubt at the reduced risk of heart attack." Mr. Granger paused for dramatic effect, "Lister. I think it's best you leave Ashbury."

The tears rolled down more steadily now, until a chocked sob left Lister's throat, "You're expelling me sir?"

Mr. Granger blinked twice, just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

Dave Lister.

Crying in his office- a boy no less! One of the toughest boys in the school sobbing right before him!

He shrugged uncomfortably, "Well…perhaps not a permanent exclusion I suppose…"

Lister sniffed and glanced up.

There was a strangely warm look in Grangers eyes, he gave Lister a small grin, and "You know I was a troublemaker at school, Lister?"

Lister tried to imagine Granger 40 years younger in a scruffy schoolboy's uniform but failed miserably. In his mind, Granger must have been born an old bugger. He shrugged,

"No sir," he finished lamely.

Granger grinned wistfully, "ah yes, best days of your life-"

Lister frowned, "what school did you go to?!"

Granger blinked coming out of his reverie, "Yes well- anyhow- you're expelled for two weeks Lister, I want to see you back on the 24th- anyway…"

Lister smiled slightly, promising himself as soon as he came back to school…he'd be a changed boy, "Thanks sir."

Mr. Granger nodded and grunted, pointing to the door silently whilst settling himself in his chair.

Lister grinned slyly, "You know…I've always seen you as a father figure sir."

Granger's eyes flew up, his eyebrows disappearing under his brow, "Wh-What?!" he spluttered,

Lister grinned, "Nah. You're right. You're more of a mother figure really!"

Granger shot out of his seat and bellowed, "Get out of this office!"

Lister dodged the chalk Granger threw at him and slipped out of the door grinning.

He still had a chance to make everything right.

Maybe not with Hazza, but with everything else…


	9. Dustbin butt

**A quick A/N from Lar-ton:** Getting to the end chapters now, hope you're still liking it! I'll explain about the quote, we're both Good Charlotte fans and we were listening to "I just wanna live" and we realized it tied in with Lister's antics at school...we've been meaning to put it in since chapter 3...but...we forgot...sorry!

"Stop your messing around, boy

Better think of your future

'Better make some good plans boy' said every one of my teachers!

Look out, you better play it safe

Never know what hard times will come your way

We say, where we're comin from

We've already seen the worst that this life can bring!"

Good Charlotte "I just wanna live" 

* * *

Lister lay on his bed staring at his ceiling, barely moving. 

He was perhaps taking the teenage cliché of locking himself up in his bedroom with his music blaring a step too far, but he wasn't in the mood for anyone at the moment.

He just wanted to be on his own...alone...maybe even for ever (the cruel irony).

There was a light tap on his door; he lifted his head slightly to fix it with a glare "go away" he mumbled, collapsing back onto his bed.

His Nan entered with a face like thunder "I've just got off the phone with your head master, Grander"

"Granger" Lister corrected sulkily

"Whatever" snapped his Nan "the fact is, I've been told that you've been expelled for 2 weeks...For fighting"

Lister couldn't find anything to say in his defense, so he kept his mouth shut, and stared at his chest, anything to avoid eye contact with his Nan.

"What's this all about eh" asked his Nan, perching on the end of his bed.

Lister propped himself up on his eyebrows, he was getting ready to lie but when he saw the look on his Nan's face, he couldn't bring himself to do it.

No matter how much it hurt he'd have to tell what was really going on!

"The truth is Nan" he said softly "I've not been doin' as well in school as you thought..."

For years he'd lied to his Nan about everything: his grades, his attendance, his reputation...he'd changed his report with the help of Hazza, by scanning his report and altering grades and comments.

He never mentioned detentions; he'd simply say he was playing football. He conveniently 'lost' letters about his bad behavior and parent's evenings were abolished according to Lister. Lying…it made life easier, and that was all Lister wanted…an easy life.

His Nan fixed him with a curious stare "I don't understand…"

Lister looked away "I've failed practically every lesson, i'm always in trouble and I've been lying to you" he paused "I'm not ahead of the class, I don't ace exams, I'm thick Nan! I'm completely bone bloody idle and there's nothing anyone can do about it…"

His Nan clucked and pulled him into a hug "I don't give a toss what you're exam results are lad…just grow up to be a fine young man and I'll die a happy women"

"Don't say that" replied Lister, feeling the same sense of dread descend upon him every time his Nan talked about death. Having spent most of his life with no family of such, Lister refused to accept the inevitable that one day…his Nan would die.

She smiled at his un-boyish concern, and gave him a hug and a kiss.

To Lister things were looking up, he'd received hugs off the 2 most important women in his life at that moment in time, and the truth was when you were in someone's arms, things never look as bad as they are…

"I'm annoyed you lied to me, don't you think I can take bad news or something?" said his Nan, giving him a little shake making him wince"what's the matter" she asked.

Lister showed her the bruises that lined his shoulders, reminders of his fight with Hazza. He didn't remember Hazza doing so much damage to him.

He quickly told of what had happened in the yard and within the space of 5 minutes, Lister found him self de-shirted, hoisted onto the counter top, and covered in TSP.

"I'm fine," he kept protesting as yet more oils and ointments were smothered onto his skin "honestly, it's just a bruise"

"I never trusted that Aaron Harrison from the start" sniffed his Nan, as she bathed Lister's shoulder in witch hazel and many other reeking fluids"his eyes are too close together! Sign of a mad man that is"

Lister smirked, but then screamed "that stings" he wailed, swatting his Nan away,

"Baby" she tutted,

Lister pulled a jokey face at her, before sighing"you do know I love you, Nan," he said,

"Course" she scoffed, ruffling his hair like she did when he was younger "and I love you...no matter how bloody lippy you get"

* * *

"Lister" 

Upon hearing his name bellowed down the corridor, Lister turned round to see Aaron Harrison striding over to him.

"Shite" he muttered as his former friend came closer and closer. It was obvious what was going to happen next…

"What are you doing out of lessons" Aaron demanded,

Lister scowled at him "I could ask you the same thing"

Aaron puffed out his chest proudly "i'm a_ prefect_, Lister. _I'm_ given _special_ permission to be out of lessons"

"Mm" nodded Lister "yes...I nearly missed the bright red jumper and pompous facial expression"

A week ago Aaron had been voted a prefect after one of the existing ones had moved away. The way Maria was carrying on, you'd think he'd been voted the new Jesus.

She was constantly fussing over him, straitening his tie or smoothing down his jumper.

To Lister it was perhaps the most sickening thing in the world.

"You're jealous" smirked Aaron, crossing his arm carefully to make sure you could still read the word 'prefect' embroidered on the chest of his scarlet jumper.

Lister rolled his eyes and ignored his snide remark "What the hell are you doing here anyway, _Harrison_? Shouldn't you be off somewhere handing out death sentences to people who accidentally fart"

Aaron's mouth twitched angrily "I was just running an errand for a teacher"

"Ooohh the immense responsibility! What's next, brewing up? Or maybe…I bet you dream of this don't you…photocopying" teased Lister.

It was Aaron's turn to ignore Lister, he simply sighed as if this whole situation was getting very tedious and carried on

"And I spotted you, dawdling as per usual so i'm here to carry out my prefect duties and i'm going to punish you accordingly"

Lister raised his eyebrows in amusement "every single teacher in this school has been trying to do that for years...what makes you think you can do it"

Aaron beamed"I have my ways"

"You know the one thing I hate" sighed Lister "it's people of 'authority'…well I say authority, you're just a jumped up hall monitor with a badge"

"Kiss the badge of authority," sang Aaron, grabbing hold of his tie on which the shiny badge sat and waving under Lister's nose, who looked at him as if he were crazy

"Did the double lobotomy come with the badge"

Aaron scowled "what were you saying about authority" he spat, tucking the badge away.

"I was just saying how completely bollocks it is" shrugged Lister,

"And why'd you think that" asked Aaron.

Having become a prefect he'd developed a sense of striving for higher authority, and to hear anyone bad mouth it, sent his blood boiling. Add Lister to that equation and you could fry an egg on Aaron's ears.

"I'm an anarchist" announced Lister.

"An anarchist" laughed Aaron "you can't even spell the word, let alone be one"

"Fascist" muttered Lister darkly, walking off,

"Oi" yelled Aaron "where you meant to be now, Lister"

"French" came the reply.

Aaron frowned threateningly "French is the other way Lister" he said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, I know" smiled Lister, spinning round to face the infuriated prefect "i'm takin' the _scenic_ route" he paused to give Aaron the 2 fingered salute before striding off.

Unfortunately Aaron followed him

"You're not going to get away with this Lister" he sneered"I'll have you hung for this"

"I'd like to see you try and find time between your 'prefect' duties, homework, exam revision and the demanding Italian Job wanted her daily fix of Harrison"

"Italian job" repeated Aaron, frowning

"Maria" smirked Lister

Aaron scowled at Lister but chose to say nothing on the matter "speaking of exams… shouldn't you be panicking in a corner somewhere? Trying to cram 5 years worth of work on 10 different subjects into 2 weeks"

"No" replied Lister casually "i'm only being entered for one exam"

"Oh what a surprise" said Aaron sarcastically

"It isn't actually, _Harrison_" snapped Lister "cos you were there the day I was told I was only being entered for one exam…remember" He paused"anyway, what about you, last I heard your summer holidays started the day of the exams, cos you hadn't been entered for any. You were just gonna sit there and sleep through your G.C.S.E's"

Aaron sighed. "I went round and begged all my teachers to re-enter me, I told them I was changed boy now that I'd gotten rid of Dave Lister...with all my hard work I should be able to get at least a c in each exam"

"How very fitting" said Lister sullenly "C…for complete and total crap head!"

Aaron chest began heaving with anger, Lister had not only stepped over the line, he was dancing on it"that-is-it" he said slowly "you are" before he could even finish his threat Lister him pushed him backwards. Arms flailing wildly Aaron fell backwards into the bin, but glared at Lister and went to jump up, only to find he couldn't…he was stuck.

He struggled in vain for several seconds before deciding to ditch his pride and ask for assistance

"Help me up" he snapped, holding his hand out to Lister, who merely smiled pleasantly and walked away.

"Lister, don't you dare walk away from me" screamed Aaron, still trying to get out of the bin where he was jammed. "Lister! LISTER"

"I'm sorry," said Lister in a singsong voice "no-one is available to take your call. Leave your name and number and I'll NOT get back to you as soon as possible. Bye bye...bin boy"

Aaron frowned and tried even harder to free himself from the bin "Lister... LISTER" but it was hopeless.

He'd already gone!

Lister groaned and leaned heavily against the door. From the sounds of it Harrison was still trying to get out of the bin, Lister had no idea why he did that. It was just too tempting... he was stood there...being cocky...a bin just behind him...just about his arse's size...the temptation proved too great!

Part of Lister still felt bad though, the old Aaron Harrison wasn't just a friend...he was

The best he'd ever had...and probably still would be years from now.

Lister glanced about the corridor, trying to take his mind off his non-existent friendship.

A poster caught his eye, sending him spiraling into an even worse mood.

The date for the school prom had been announced, Lister wasn't going.

Proms were for couples and he was currently single.

Katy had made friends with Joan Yates, who was a renowned man-hating feminist. She'd infected Katy with her ideas of sexual equality and woman's rights, and in front of the whole class Katy had dumped Lister during a debate on sexism.

She'd stood there and told how he was always treating her like some fashion accessory, merely there to look good and smile and laugh from time to time. Just when Lister thought things couldn't get any worse, Katy whipped her bra off with amazing speed and skill and burnt it with her lighter.

Lister was speechless with shock...he'd sat for 4 hours... 4 painstaking, butt numbing hours whilst she tried on every bra in the shop.

He'd sat there and endured Katy getting undressed, trying on bras of various colours, fabrics and designs.

He had to sit there and say whether he thought the bra was good or not so good.

He'd been obliged to watch Katy twirl about in front of the mirror whilst she asked his honest opinion.  
He was forced to tolerate that and now she's burnt the one he's spent 20 minutes deciding over...the cheek of it!

'Still' thought Lister 'it's not all bad news' most boys when being dumped had to face up to the harsh reality that they were never going to see their ex-girlfriends breasts ever again. Lister didn't have that problem, all he had to do was follow Katy to one of her marches and there she'd be...at the front...tits out and bra aflame.

With a weary sigh, Lister headed back to French, he was counting down the days till he left Ashbury. He'd always enjoyed school…not the lessons, they were crap but everything else about school was okay. He had loads of mates…well he didn't know any of them half as well as he knew Hazza, but they were still good for a laugh, and he couldn't walk down a corridor without seeing at least 1 ex-girlfriend.

It was only recently that Lister had actually began to hate school and dreamt of the future…


	10. Cycle Completa

Sunrise over the tango factory's A/N: Okay, I suggest you brace yourselves for a fairly long chapter. Both Rage and I have become so fed up with this story. Don't get me wrong, we enjoyed writing it. It's just it seems we've been at it for ages now, so we decided to finish it and look out for a sort of a 'deleted scenes' type chapter which we'll post later on, it's a collection of all the bits we didn't use…and there's a lot of them! Enjoy chappy and hopefully review!  
Sunrise 

Raging Tree Trunk's A/N: Hello. I am sorry to say, Staccato has finally drawn to a close sniffs we've had fun, unleashed our imaginations and tried to set our souls free but the damn things keep hanging on! -Get off already- anyway; this is the end of this chapter of Lister's life. Sadly towards the end we couldn't commit as much to this story as it deserved as per school commitments but we'll be back on track someday (HA) Enjoy. We've had fun. Hope you have too, love, kisses and huggles.  
Raging tree trunk

* * *

"PAN FRIED NOODLES!" 

That was the call that woke Lister up early Tuesday morning, in his quarters by fellow crewmate Arnold. J. Rimmer.

The reason for his rant so early on in the morning was largely based on the fact that Cat had ordered a fish supper from Vending machine 12A but instead received 10 tonnes worth of compressed pan fried noodles.

Rimmer was not a happy bunny…in fact he was about as happy as a bunny that'd had all 4 feet chopped off to make lucky charms.

"10 TONNES LISTER! 10 TONNES! THE SCUTTERS HAVE BLOWN THEIR CIRCUITS UNDER A CODE BLUE THANKS TO YOU! NOODLES DECORATING THE CORRIDOR FOR MILES YOU INCOMPITANT GIT!"

Lister groaned and rubbed his eyes "what's the problem?" he asked sleepily.

Rimmer stared blankly into the abyss, "Noodles…. Everywhere…so many noodles…." He muttered frantically. Lister raised a skeptical eyebrow,

"Yeah, noodles are fine for brekkie thanks."

Rimmer scowled furiously, "I'm glad you find this so amusing Listy Poo's but I suggest you take a look at Blue Corridor 3! Which is in fact, knee smeggin-deep in smegging noodles?"

Lister turned over facing the wall of his bunk, "I still don't see what the problem is here"

"The smeggin problem, Lister. Is that if we want to get to the other side of the smeggin ship, we're gonna have to eat our way through smeggin noodles!" Rimmer smirked, "Or you will have to, shall I say?"

"-And how is this my fault man?" "

Am I not your superior Lister?" asked Rimmer, grinning maniacally "when I say jump are you not meant to ask 'how high?' -"

"No" interrupted Lister "cos I don't pay any smeggin' attention to you or your smeggin' rank…"

"Evidently!" snarled Rimmer "otherwise we wouldn't have this noodle conundrum on our hands" he paused "had you followed my instructions TO THE LETTER then vending machine 12A WOULD have been working properly however you didn't follow my instructions because you are a moronic, detestable gitty smeg head!"

"Whatcha mean I didn't follow your instructions…when the hell did you tell me to fix that smegging vending machine?"

Rimmer hastily whipped out his hologramatic notebook "February the 8th 2077" he read, before grinning smugly.

Lister did some quick calculations in his head "hang on…that was before the accident!"

"So" said Rimmer, crossing his arms

"So…why the hell are you getting so wound up about something I didn't do nearly 3 million smeggin years ago?"

"Are you suggesting I shouldn't let this bother me because, as you so rightly pointed out, it's in the past…"

"Yeah." There was a thoughtful pause off Rimmer "nope...don't think I will. This whole ghastly noodley mess is entirely your fault Lister and you're not going to get away with it that easily me laddo!"

"Dead git" muttered Lister,

Rimmer's ears pricked up "what did you just say?"

"Nothin'" lied Lister quickly

"You just called me a dead git, didn't you?" accused Rimmer, narrowing his eyes at Lister.

'No point in lying' thought Lister "yeah, I did!"

Rimmer screwed his face up in anger "you living beast"

Lister brought his hands to his face in mock fear "NO…how dare you…'living beast'…so scary" he then began laughing, thus angering Rimmer more.

"Smeg head" the hologram muttered

"Whoa" laughed Lister "you really mean business now don't you…come on hit me with your worse insults!"

"Complete, total and utter git"

"Getting slightly worse…"

"Disgrace to the human race"

"Gonna have to do better then that Rimmer" teased Lister

"Bastard!" "Ooohh…now we're getting' to the good stuff…come-on, send out the heavy artillery!"

A sly smirk played across Rimmer's lips "gigolo"

Lister blinked at Rimmer "what did you just say?" he asked, hoping he'd heard wrong.

"I called you a gigolo" smiled Rimmer, Lister turned over and remained quiet.

Rimmer was shocked by his actions; normally Lister would never walk away from an argument like this.

"Gigolos not that bad an insult…" said Rimmer. Lister said nothing. So he persisted "it's not the worse thing I've ever called you is it…What about the time I called you a disgusting excuse for a man, a waste of living cells, a specimen unworthy of the title of a human...and remember the time I said you smelled like a drunken bum who'd collapsed in a seedy pup toilet down moss side, a place where maggots have too much class to go…"

Still Lister remained quiet.

Rimmer frowned "snap out of this now Lister. I demand that you insult me!"

Nothing.

Rimmer was beginning to panic "you're not dead or anything…are you?" he asked cautiously.

There was a small murmur from Lister, "Leave me alone"

"I don't see what the big deal is…" huffed Rimmer "gigolo…It's hardly something to go into a sulk about is it…just because you've been put in your place…. God…how childish can you get…going into a sulk because I called you a gigolo!"

"I didn't go in a sulk" snapped Lister suddenly, making the hologram jump "it wasn't the fact that you called me a gigolo that upset me-"

"Ah ha" exclaimed Rimmer excitedly "so admit you're upset!"

"Smeg off!" retorted Lister before continuing "it was just that…the word gigolo…it makes me remember…summat bad!"

Rimmer's jaw plummeted to the floor "you were a gigolo!"

"Course I wasn't you gimp!" scowled Lister,

"wouldn't put it past you" shrugged Rimmer, he paused "so…why does the word gigolo conjure up such bad memories for you?"

Lister looked away "you wouldn't wanna know" he whispered.

"Course I would" said Rimmer quickly,

"you'd only tease…" Rimmer was practically on his knees by now "okay, just this once Lister, I promise I will not tease you…but if it's something really good to tease you about I hereby retract my promise…please" he added, as if this could waver Lister's decision. "No!"

Rimmer groaned "Please, Lister" he begged "I'll die if you don't tell me!" "You're already dead" pointed out Lister,

Rimmer gave him a dark glare "thank you sooooooooooooo much from reminding me of that fact…. You insensitive git…the good news is I'll forgive you…. If you tell me all about this gigolo business…"

Lister smirked "yeah right, there's no way I'll tell you that easily, Rimmer. You'll have to force it out of me"

"Okay" nodded Rimmer "then force it out of you I shall!" he grinned wickedly but said nothing. It was time for him to play the quiet game.

Lister suddenly felt very uneasy "why you grinning…Whatcha gonna do?"

Rimmer's grin widened "are you familiar with the song ' I know a song that'll get on your nerves'"

"Yeah" replied Lister, he remembered singing in on numerous schools trips and he actually received a weeks worth of detentions because after 356 verses, the song was apparently becoming tedious.

"Do you find it irritating?" asked Rimmer

"Not really"

"You will, when I'm singing my own operatic version at 3.30 in the morning"

Lister's eyes widened in horror "you wouldn't" he gasped.

Rimmer sighed with contentment "I would" he smiled.

Lister gave this a seconds thought "holograms don't need that much sleep do they?"

"Well…we don't technically need sleep, I suppose I could just _not _to go to bed…and sing for you instead"

Lister felt his heart race "but…but that would mean you could-" he trailed off, and dragged a hand down his face at the thought of his imminent doom.

"Oh yes" said Rimmer, feeling happier then he had done for months "for weeks and weeks and weeks"

"okay" said Lister quickly, jumping down from his bunk "I'll tell you, just please, please, please…don't sing that smeggin song, okay?"

"Fine" lied Rimmer.

Lister took a deep breath "right I had this mate called Hazza"

"Was he a gigolo?" asked Rimmer expectantly

"No" replied Lister "he was me best mate, and when I mean best mate…I mean best mate, we were more like brothers, always round each others houses...we were quite the double act at our high school…biggest pair of trouble makers…we did actually have chairs with our names on outside the headmasters office!"

"Why does that not surprise me!" said Rimmer, rolling his eyes.

Lister looked the hologram straight in the eye "if you're gonna be nasty, I won't tell you!"

"I'll be good!" promised Rimmer "brownies honor!"

So Lister continued.

"Seriously man, this mate…Hazza, we were like that" he crossed two fingers and showed Rimmer "in fact we were closer than that, we were like-"

"Okay" interjected Rimmer "I get the idea…you were close…so how and why does this link to the gigolo?"

Lister hesitated "well…things were going great. We'd pretty much planned out our lives to the full, we we're both gonna fail school, get jobs…Hazza would probably become a footballer or summat like that…and then we were gonna get a flat together…a bachelor pad. We'd even planned that out, we were gonna have black painted walls, white leather sofa…dead modern and we were gonna a round bed each. I even found a place that sold round bed sheets…do you have any idea how difficult it is to a place that sells round bed sheets?"

Rimmer shook his head in confusion "no…can't say I do!" he paused, wondering whether Lister would actually answer his question. "So why aren't you in you're 'trendy' bachelor pad in a dead end job and getting pissed every night on cheap tequila with…Hazza?"

"Maria" said Lister darkly, staring out of the viewport window.

"Who?"

"Maria 'look at me I'm Italian so let me steal your best friend' Staccato"

Rimmer frowned "names for kids theses days" he tutted "imagine the torment she endured at school with a middle name like that!"

"That wasn't her middle name you div, I just put it in, so she sounded as horrible as she was!"

"And was she horrible?" asked Rimmer.

"Yeah" nodded Lister "she was tall, slim, tanned, large breasted, full hipped, long legged, intelligent, witty and kind…"

Rimmer stared at Lister "you…are…mad!" he yelled "no wonder you have trouble keeping a girl if you think she's horrible…god…she's the type of women I'd pay to shag!"

Lister's head snapped towards Rimmer, who hastily added "but ignore that last statement, because I want to hear more about this Maria, and why you hate her!"

"I hate her because she stole Hazza off me" spat Lister,

"d'you have any idea how gay that sounds" commented Rimmer "Lister, is there something you're not telling me?"

"Right, that's it!" shouted Lister, climbing back into his bunk "that is the last time I ever try to tell you something vaguely sentimental!" he then began to busy himself with en empty larger can, trying to crush it.

Rimmer looked devastated "so you're not going to tell me?"

Lister gave Rimmer a disgruntled look "no" he replied simply

"you can't leave the story there" wailed Rimmer "please Lister, please tell me the rest…I need to know…I'm a nosy git by nature!"

Lister groaned and began to re-tell the story of Hazza and how it all went wrong.

* * *

"And the last time I saw Hazza was the leaver's assembly…he just sort of looked at me and shook his head…like I was some worthless beggar on the streets trying to steal his socks…" Lister sighed, before taking another swig from his beer can. "And then he walked off, one arm wrapped around Maria's Italian hips with a pocket full of A star GCSE's!" 

"How dare he!" said Rimmer sarcastically.

"I know," agreed Lister, completely missing the sarcasm. "I remember Granger- he was our headmaster- he gave the two of 'em a special mention. Maria cos she got some of the highest marks out of our year and Hazza cos he'd made the biggest improvement…he'd gone from U's to A stars…and you've got to admit that's a hell of an improvement! So Granger there…singin' their praises…sayin' how he'd never seen such a strong connection between two students before and I'd had enough of it so…"

He was cut off by Rimmer groaning,

"What?"

Rimmer shook his head in disbelief "you stood up and gave one of those smart arse comments that only you and you alone can come up with!" Lister grinned for the first time since their discussion began "yeah! I stood up and shouted out 'it's called Sex sir, it's quite popular these days!" 

Rimmer to smirk, for smart arse comments that was one to remember!

"So I take it you and Hazza never made up...never got your bachelor pad and your dead end jobs?"

"No"

Rimmer actually felt a tiny flicker of sympathy but it was quickly extinguished when he remembered it was Lister. "One more question!"

Lister rolled his eyes "right, last one!"

"What the hell are we going to do about all these noodles?"

* * *

Rimmer and Lister's discussion about Hazza was quickly forgotten, as was the noodles. 

Both acted as if the conversation had never taken place. But Lister couldn't stop thinking about Hazza. At the time he thought he was right, he was sure that Maria was no good for Hazza...that was before he'd had time to think about it.

He was suddenly struck by an awesome feeling of guilt.

Hazza had always put up with Lister's girlfriends, never complained once when Lister had to cancel plans because of them. Maria was Hazza's first proper girlfriend, and by proper meant Hazza wasn't just spreading a rumor that he was going out with a girl.

It was clear Maria liked Hazza, and it was obvious that Hazza was walk across hot coals with petrol on his feet for Maria, but instead of being pleased and supportive towards his best mate, Lister was cruel.

It wasn't just the fact that Lister felt guilty for effectively being the destroyer of his and Hazza's friendship, it was the realization that he could never say how sorry he was to the one person it meant most to. It wasn't like Hazza could be looked up in the phone book. Lister's guilt intensified at the thought of Hazza dying and not knowing how bad Lister felt about their falling out.

Lister grabbed a nearby newspaper in a desperate attempt to take his mind off it. Normally he was dead set against newspapers, in his opinion they were full of crap.

But whilst he was pretending to skim read through the paper, a headline grabbed his attention.

**'Adoptive aims achieved'**

**A doctor today finally completed over 15 years of work by pioneering gene fingerprint tracking technology. The controversial treatment has been opposed several times by human rights protesters who claimed it to be 'playing God'. However the modest doctor insisted his medical and technological advances create more advantages rather than disadvantages. "I've known people who grew up wondering who their parents were-this way at least they will have some chance at happiness"**

**The new technology enables adopted or abandoned children to find their biological parents by providing a blood sample. This will then be matched against the world DNA database for a match. This system is especially helpful in cases where children have been abandoned without any information of parentage being provided'**

**Beneath the article was a 3D image portraying the doctor and his own family, and beneath that was a caption: From right to left. Sons Matthew, 7, Edward 9, daughter Sophia, 4, Wife Maria, Dr Aaron Harrison and eldest son David, age 15.**

Lister did a double take, making sure his eyes weren't deceiving him.

It was Hazza. Hair a little grayed, spare tyre evident, wearing hideously unfashionable glasses but still the same old Hazza.

He studied the picture again, there was something about the eldest son David, he couldn't quite place. He had a scruffy rebellious air about him. His dark brown hair, which he'd inherited off his mother, was worn in dreadlocks that rested carelessly on his shoulder. He looked out of place in his dirty shirt and jeans next to his family, who'd obviously donned their finest clothes. A guitar was slung over his back as he smiled at the camera.

For Lister it was looking at a younger version of himself.

He tore his eyes away from the picture to read the rest of the article.

**'Dr Harrison then went on to say "This is my chance to give something back to the world…and say sorry to the person that deserves it!"**

Lister smiled, he had a feeling that Hazza knew Lister wanted to apologize. He grinned and looked back at the picture.

"Give him hell from me, lad" he said, staring at David's grinning features "give him hell!"

**END**


	11. All the other bits

**Here is a collection of all the little bits we wrote that were either a) nothing to do with the finishing story line or b) left out because they would have added 18 chapters to the story or c) completely forgotten about until now. Enjoy  
Rage and Sunrise.**

* * *

This one involves a little explaining. We were going to have it that Lister finds out Hazza is a doctor and he then wants to write a letter of apology. Through a bizarre and rather conveniently placed rip in the space time continuum, the Dwarfers travel to the past, to the hospital where Hazza works and Lister sets off to deliver his letter. It's about 2.30 in the morning by the way. 

Lister peered around the ward door, glancing up and down the darked room, half expecting to see Hazza, but he didn't. He quickly slid in the gloomy room, quietly closing the door behind him, he began to tiptoe his way to a likely looking office, if he could just leave the letter on a desk, a nurse or someone would see that Hazza got it.

"Whatcha doin'?"

Lister screamed, jumping about a foot in the air, he held a hand to his chest, where his heart was trying to beat it's way out.

"Is every one determined to give me a heart attack!" he snapped. He turned round, to face his follower, only to see no one there.

"Freaky" he muttered, before striding forward. He then jumped as he saw a small girl standing in front of him. He swore to himself, wondering if his heart could take much more.

"Whatcha doin?" the little girl said.

Lister stared at the girl for a moment, amazed he could he could be scared out of his wits by someone no older then six.

"Nothin'" he breathed, walking towards the office, the sound of slippers tapping on the ward floor, indicated the girl was following him.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he said, with forced calmness.

"Yes" she replied innocently "but shouldn't you be in bed too?"

"I'm an adult," said Lister "I can go to bed whenever I want"

"Wow" gasped the girl in awe. She ran up to Lister, and took hold of his hand

"Are you a new doctor?" she asked, gazing adoringly at him with the largest eyes Lister had ever seen.

"No" he replied, avoiding their gaze.

"I thought not" the girl shrugged "you don't wear a white coat, are that funny necklace" she paused, gazing round the room with a very bored look upon her face "It would have been nice if you'd have been a new doctor. You look fun. I've got to know everyone here, so it gets rather dull, so you'd make it better"

Lister couldn't help but grin, this kid could really inflate your ego, firstly she said he looked like a doctor, and then she said he looked fun.

"Have you been in hospital long?" he asked,

"Nearly 4 months now, I needed a new liver, and it got all mucked up, so I've been in here for a-g-e-s now!"

"It must be really bad for you then?" Lister said, kneeling down to be at the same level as the chatty little girl.

"Not really" she grinned "I can play with all the toys, and I can watch t/v whenever I want, and I don't have to bite my brother to get the remote off him"  
Lister laughed, he'd forgotten who kids where naturally funny with their sometimes brutal honesty and vivid imaginations.

"Listen…erm"

"Kelly" beamed the girl,

"Kelly, can you tell me where Doctor Hazza's office is?"

"Haz-za?" she repeated, wrinkling her nose up in confusion.

"Doctor Harrison, he's got blond hair…" tried Lister.

"Oh, you mean Doctor Aaron" said Kelly, very matter of factly. "His office is just down here, I'll take you" and with that she began to drag Lister to the other end of the ward, he'd been going in the wrong direction…he'd been outwitted by a 6 year old! The shame.

* * *

**Having delivered the letter, Lister then goes to walk off but Hazza receives an explanation of Kelly and chase after him. Lister quickly jumps into a storeroom and meets. Well…you'll see!**

* * *

A moment of polite silence existed between them, they just stood their smiling at each other, like you do at people opposite you on a train. 

"So" said Katy finally "fancy a shag?"

"Yeah, alright" shrugged Lister, it took a few seconds for his brain to register what was just said "WHAT?" he choked.

"D'you fancy a shag?" repeated Katy, as if she was talking about something as conventional as the weather.

"Erm, well…what happened to being a feminist?" said Lister, shocked.

"Oh, I'm still a man hating feminist, Lister it's just I'm **_hungry_**"

"What? Aint there a canteen here or summat?" he asked.

"I'm hungry for sex" Katy replied, batting her eyelashes and pouting.

"Oh" was all Lister could manage.

"Come on" urged Katy, "let's have a shag, for old times sake"

"No, Katy I don't want to," said Lister.

'_Did I just say that?'_ asked a voice in his head.

"Please Lister, for me" she persisted,

"No" he said forcefully, backing away.

"Why" she wailed, smoothing out the creases of her dress, in a way Lister never thought could be seductive.

"Because" he coughed, trying to ignore Katy's very full figure, and long, legs. "It would be wrong, immoral, and it wouldn't be enjoyable, it'd just be a brief session of loveless, meaningless, profitless sex"

"Why are undoing your trousers?"

"Why d'you think?" Lister replied "you're not the only one with needs!"

* * *

Hazza learning Italian: (Hazza has just finished ranting off in Italian, shall put English through Italian translator) Lister: what the hell was that?  
Hazza: Maria's been teaching me some Italian,  
Lister (slightly annoyed and sickened): Oh man  
Hazza: What?  
Lister: she's teaching you to sound like her, all weird and freaky.  
Hazza (angry): Her name is Maria and she doesn't speak weird!  
Lister: Hazza, she sounds like a cross between Kenneth Williams and E.T, if that's not weird, I don't know what is!

* * *

Hazza and Maria marriage. (A fight between Hazza and Lister, first line can be changed)  
Lister: this is her fault, that bitch Maria,  
Hazza: Don't talk about her like that!  
Lister (very childish): I'll talk about her however the hell I like; she's only my mate's girlfriend!  
Hazza: Fiancée  
(pause)  
Lister: tell me this is a sick joke  
Hazza (shakes head): No, we talked about it and we've set a date, we're engaged.  
Lister (very shocked): Hazza, man what's happened to you, girlfriend, doing well in school, now your getting married, you're sixteen, there's tonnes of girls out there you could bonk before you shove a ring on your finger. What next, a **_career_,** kids?  
Hazza (coughs, and looks away nervously)  
Lister: Ooohh you haven't have you?  
Hazza (nods timidly) Sort of.  
Lister: (mockingly): sort of, sort of, how can you sort of do it! (Getting annoyed) you did it, and you didn't tell me. Hazza man, (shakes head) I told you when I did it for the first time!  
Hazza: you told everyone, by 3 p.m the next day, it was international news, the only person you didn't tell was Mr Morrison, the guy who owned the paper shop, and that was because he'd died before you got a chance to share the news!

* * *

Years on when Lister is 23-24, he injures his ankle on a drunken night out, he was jumping up and down on a garage roof with his drinking pals singing old World Cup anthems. He slipped off and landing feet first on a wheelie bin so goes to the doctors. There he is asked if he would mind a medical student seeing him, Lister agrees. The name plaque on the door says Dr Morrissey  
Lister walked in the door, and was greeted by someone who was defiantly not Dr Morrissey.  
Lister: Hazza?  
Trainee Doctor Aaron Harrison started, dropping the thick textbook he'd been reading. No one ever called him Hazza nowadays, and if by accident they said it, he'd beg them to call him by his real name. In fact the only person who probably would still call him that was…it's couldn't be.  
Hazza (bewildered but slightly happy at the same time): Lister? What are you doing here?  
Lister (coldly) leaving. (Walks towards door)  
Hazza (desperate): please, don't go  
Lister: give me one good reason why I shouldn't.  
Hazza (reluctantly): You…you're my first patient.  
Lister: eh? But the nurse downstairs said-  
Hazza: I'd seen lots of patients, she was lying, non of Dr Morrissey's patients wants a trainee tending to them. She was only saying that so you wouldn't come in here a nervous gibbering wreck!  
Lister (guilty): so you've had no patients all day  
Hazza: No, well I nearly had one a girl with a cut knee, a cut knee, even you could have handled a cut knee (adding quickly) no offence.  
Lister (lying): none taken  
Hazza: Please Lister, I'm begging you, (goes down on knees) please, please please, help me.  
Lister (still cold): Is the last year of school still fresh in your mind, you and me had a fight, you hurled out every single comment that you knew, you knew, that they would hurt me the most, and for what…a girl. And yet, 7 years later, here you are, asking for my help, why the hell should I give it you after what you did. (Goes to walk out the door again)  
Hazza: because if you don't, I can kiss goodbye to my career.  
(Lister stops)  
Lister: what? Why?  
Hazza: Hands on experience is a vital part of my course, if I don't do any, I loose valuable points off my mark, this day is the difference between a pass and a fail. And the way things are turning out, I'm doomed.  
Lister (shifting about, not knowing what to do): That's not my problem.  
Hazza: What happened to the Dave Lister I knew who'd do anything for a mate in trouble  
Lister: he's gone, just like the Hazza who tried to sell his body in the school yard.  
Hazza (frantic): Lister, I'm not asking you to forgive me, or even like me, all I'm asking is that you let me treat you, get my degree, and get out of your life altogether…. please (does puppy dog eyes)  
Lister: Hazza, man, not the eyes  
Hazza: that's Dr Hazza to you  
Lister: not yet  
Hazza: soon…so what's you answer or do you need more persuading. (Dangerously teary puppy dog eyes)  
Lister: o.k. Now turn your bleeding eyes off!  
(Hazza begins examining Lister's ankle)  
Hazza (making notes): how d'you do this then?  
Lister: eerm, fell over, I was a bit tipsy, didn't see where I was going.  
Hazza: Your lying.  
Lister: am not  
Hazza: This type of fracture only occurs from a fall from a height, now would I be correct to believe you were standing on some kind of building when you 'fell over'.  
Lister: Yes,  
Hazza (triumphantly) I knew it.  
Lister: you'll make a great Doctor you, certainly know your stuff.  
Hazza: Yes, but I also know your antics, and if all my patients are as reckless and irresponsible as you, all my diagnosis will be correct!

* * *

Lister: where's the old Hazza who went 3 months without washing, who handed in his maths homework 8 months late?  
Hazza: He's gone.  
Lister: Yeah, I know, and **_she's_** made him go.  
Hazza: Maria, her name is Maria!  
Lister: She's turned you into her bitch!  
Maria: actually **_Lister_**, I'm his bitch. And I don't like the term bitch, whore or tart sounds so much better!

* * *

**Another storyline we cooked up, Lister decides to go back in time (through another conveniently placed rip in the space time continuum) and be best man at Hazza's wedding.**

* * *

"I can't believe you're going through with this" huffed Rimmer "It's insane, even for you" 

Lister groaned softly and pulled numerous faces at the inside of his wardrobe.

"If History was meant to be altered it would be done by someone who had a higher I.Q then they had legs"

Lister turned to face Rimmer, who was stood in his usual 'i'm pissed off and i'm having a great time showing it' pose which involved crossed arms, a tight mouth and a frown that would send even the boldest Jehovah' witness running to the nearest exorcist. However Lister was anything but threatened by Rimmer's exaggerated show of emotion.

"I'd hardly call my best friends weddin' a big point in history" he paused, replaying Rimmer's last statement in his head before finally spotting it's fault "did you just call me thick?"

Rimmer sighed and said in an extra slow voice that was often used by parents to explain why red paint and cream carpets don't mix. "No. I did not call you thick. I merely stated you were a person of miniscule intellectual capabilities" There was a short pause before Lister nodded

"Good, for a moment there, I thought you were insultin' me"

Rimmer raised his head to the grey iron ceiling and shook his hands in a manic, grasping fashion as if to say 'why? Why was I cursed with someone who could be outwitted by a chopped up dining chair!'

"Tell me again why you're going through with this?" Rimmer asked, smirking slightly as he watched Lister grapple with the unfamiliar piece of clothing that was a tie.

"Because!" said Lister simply.  
"Are you sure you weren't dropped on your head as a baby?" asked Rimmer "repeatedly. Do you suffer from short term memory loss and long term memory loss?"

Lister frowned in thought "no…at least I don't think so!"  
"Then you should remember how versatile time is, you travel to the past, hand someone a tissue, and you start a world war!"

* * *

**And that ladies and gentlemen, as they say, is that. So ends Staccato. We hope you've enjoyed it, BIG BIG BIG thanks to everyone who reviewed! Keep an eye out for some more stuff coming your way, we've got sort of a top secret story being written at the moment! Wait and see!**


End file.
